Asbo-lute Shambles: Psycho Swan Not Going Anywhere

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Rowers are raging as riverside terror and hate figure Mr Asbo is to stay in Cambridge for his own welfare.

Mr Asbo will spend another summer terrorizing rowers after stubborn officials decided it was the “wrong time” to relocate the vicious swan.

In a move that has left boaties fuming, Natural England have stepped in to block plans to move him to a safer location because they can’t tell whether Asbo and his bird have started mating yet.

The psycho swan, who earned his nickname after a string of brutal attacks on passing rowers, had overseen a three year reign of terror on the Cam. In March, The Tab reported that authorities had agreed to move Mr Asbo to a peaceful swan-derland 50 miles away.

But this week an NE spokesman said that it was “impossible” to tell if the swans were now nesting, and decided to postpone the move “for animal welfare reasons”.

Animal welfare gone mad: vicious Asbo to stay

Predictably the news has not gone down well with many Cam-users, many of whom fear a mugging by Asbo every time they hit the water.

“It’s stupid” raged Clare boatie Chris Thompson-Walsh. “It’s because the authorities don’t take rowers seriously as a constituency: they perceive them as students and don’t give a damn about them” he added.

Another student pointed out that “if it was a person, it would be in prison; if it were a dog, it would be shot for biting a human. Since it is a swan, why can it not at least be moved?”

This latest news-splash comes after a man died after a swan attack in Chicago this week, raising fears that Mr Asbo might end up killing someone.

President of the Cambridge Rowing Association, Bill Key warned that if Asbo attacked a child, “he could easily smother them with his feathers and drown them”.

  • tabsturbator

    last term it was generally shit articles, this term it's shit headlines? "jade-light robbery" and "asbo-lute shambles"…

    • Absolute Punt.

      Madness. A tabloid newspaper using tenuous puns. Whatever next.

      Seriously, every day the Sun does this. EVERY DAY. And the Tab has been since it began…

      So I don't see your point really….

      • Pun Hater

        When I read The Sun, I take a biro and write how much I hate the bad headline puns at the bottom of every page. I do this EVERY DAY.

        So I don't see your point really….

        • massive goat face

          Oh go suck donkey cock.

        • Logic

          Stop reading it EVERY DAY. Haven't you learnt by now?

  • Non-Rower

    Give a shit

    • Public School Boy

      Here's an idea: Don't read articles about the river if you don't care about rowing.

      • public school dunce

        because rowing is the only thing that could possibly be going on on the river…

    • And?

      Then why click on this article?

    • 0096

      Hah, well done on wasting your own time then.

  • Revision going well

    Chris Thompson-Walsh is an anagram of ssh – owl in camp shorts

  • Swans >


  • Old Etonian

    Hand him over, nom nom nom

    • Johnian

      Oi, hands off my dinner!



  • Swan 2012

    Tonight i'm gonna stick posters up of this swan cunt and then tomorrow he'll be famous and that'll probably make him stop terrorizing rowers

  • Rowing

    is gay

    • kelvin Bowket


  • Colin Hall

    One mans terrorist is another mans freedom fighting swan !

  • Can John's help?

    Look Johnians – how about picking that swan for next christmas instead of an (alledgedly, thus far) innocent one?

  • swan

    these are my ends, please fuck off with your boats

  • Trentan Oldfield

    Keep confusing those nature officials Mr Asbo; you are doing a fabulous job fighting the toffs. But do come down to the Thames next April; even the police will not be able to stop you!

  • Amused

    to see this bird is still making college rowing a laughing stock after all this time.

  • Horny male rower

    Jonathan Fuhrmann is still hot.

    • Hunger Games fan

      I think you mean Isabelle Fuhrmann.

      • casual hebephile

        She was in Orphan. Now, not so much.

  • Seriously?

    "raising fears that Mr Asbo might end up killing someone."
    Is anyone actually afraid of this?

    • boatie

      If he attacked a novice sculler (there are a lot about in easter term) and they capsized, they could get seriously hurt either by the swan or other river traffic, or even get feet stuck in the scull and be unable to get out. Death unlikely, but serious harm could happen. He's already capsized one scull and taken part of a cox's ear off according to CamCon…

      • anuva boatie

        We're forgetting the much more important fact that Bob Middleton's gone. We'll be much safer this year.

  • Alan Stafford

    Let the poor ASBO breed no wonder he/she is aggressive.

  • Johnian Fellow

    Just let me at it!

  • juice

    The SU sucks and is pretty pointless. This article helps put into words what others cannot be bothered to voice… or sometimes think. I like it.

    • squash

      spot on that…. 98% of students just don’t care about the SU

  • Ice Cube

    The SU didn’t get their way. Today was a good day.

  • Guest
  • Herman Van Rompuy

    Because we’re not a campus university, the SU doesn’t have a monopoly on nights out, and can’t really compete with the likes of Sankeys or Fifth Avenue. This means UMSU has essentially one mission: to make sure societies are able to run smoothly on a daily basis, and to help them whenever and however they can. Unfortunately they fail miserably at this, setting so many obstacles for societies that it is almost impossible to work in cooperation with them. As part of a society’s executive committee, I believe I speak for most societies when I say we are working against the Union rather than with them. Regardless, all hail the glorious UMSU!

  • james

    “then again, Ian Huntley did stop killing” hahahahaha

  • pertinent

    If the SU had their way, we would all be calling each other comrade as well as praising them for their godly oversight of our menial lives…

  • Gabi

    The message of this article is entirely correct, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the exec team that decided to install a Starbucks in the SU. That was more to do with the head management of the university making a contract with Starbucks, in which the staff of the university profited. Nothing to do with the exec team in the slightest.

  • SUaintallbad

    You realise that the SU does lots of other things.

    It can help if you need to re-sit, are unfairly treated by a lecturer, give you emergency loans, sexual health advice and contraception. It’s successfully campaigned for building the learning commons, podcasts of all lectures, reforming residence associations. It campaigns against violence towards women and ending sexual harassment on campus. It runs volunteering projects for students with elderly people, school kids and people with special needs. It provides support for over 300 societies, providing a space for international students, LGBT, students, women’s students and many others to feel part of a community. It funds a radio station and ‘the other’ news paper. It puts on hundreds of gigs, Pangaea. It provides employment opportunities for over 300 students in part time jobs.
    All of these things are as a result of the people who got elected over the years and deciding to change something. It might not be the most transparent in the world but the people who run it are trying to do the right thing.

    I know you’re gonna down vote this to hell but someone had to defend it!

    • John smith who hates the SU

      Such bullshit. The SU is really shit and is run by pseudo soviet egalitarian weirdos who are completely obsessed by eradicating racism, where there isn’t any. They ban robin thicke and think that getting rid of hi and the sun will change attitudes. They are so stupid. I hate the SU, they make me incandescent with rage and cry. Bloody useless

      Also, they’re all just wannabe politicians and I hate them too.

      • mmmbeeer

        Cheap beer though.

        • Bryn


  • Tom

    The UNIVERSITY officer training corps not allowed to recruit at freshers fair due to to the vocal 7%, what a joke.

    Although some may disagree with the merit of the armed forces its a valid career path for some people and should not be down to such a small minority to have such a huge impact on recruitment.

    The main aim of the OTC (officer training corps) is to give people an insight into the army and careers in the millitary. Its non commital you can leave when ever you want and non deployable

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