Asbo-lute Shambles: Psycho Swan Not Going Anywhere

Mr Asbo will spend another summer terrorizing rowers after stubborn officials decided it was the “wrong time” to relocate the vicious swan.

In a move that has left boaties fuming, Natural England have stepped in to block plans to move him to a safer location because they can’t tell whether Asbo and his bird have started mating yet.

The psycho swan, who earned his nickname after a string of brutal attacks on passing rowers, had overseen a three year reign of terror on the Cam. In March, The Tab reported that authorities had agreed to move Mr Asbo to a peaceful swan-derland 50 miles away.

But this week an NE spokesman said that it was “impossible” to tell if the swans were now nesting, and decided to postpone the move “for animal welfare reasons”.

Animal welfare gone mad: vicious Asbo to stay

Predictably the news has not gone down well with many Cam-users, many of whom fear a mugging by Asbo every time they hit the water.

“It’s stupid” raged Clare boatie Chris Thompson-Walsh. “It’s because the authorities don’t take rowers seriously as a constituency: they perceive them as students and don’t give a damn about them” he added.

Another student pointed out that “if it was a person, it would be in prison; if it were a dog, it would be shot for biting a human. Since it is a swan, why can it not at least be moved?”

This latest news-splash comes after a man died after a swan attack in Chicago this week, raising fears that Mr Asbo might end up killing someone.

President of the Cambridge Rowing Association, Bill Key warned that if Asbo attacked a child, “he could easily smother them with his feathers and drown them”.