The Results – The Theatre Guide Dog Awards Lent 2012

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THE THEATRE GUIDE DOG dishes the hurt with one poor and the glory with the other. But you only have yourselves to blame.

So, we provided all thirty seconds of distraction while you wallowed in your pathetic exam-revision misery, and over 400 of you repaid us with votes. For the fourth time in a row, you have been entrusted with Tab content and we have not needed to doctor it. Much. Gloat at the products of your mass clicking below.

 Best Show – Oleanna 

“It says much about this production that it made me forget my RAG Blind Date nerves”

So maybe talent does run in the genes. I was there the same night as Sir Hall himself and he seemed pretty pleased, so it’s good to know that our readers have some precedent in taste. Then again having two skinny-ass models named ‘Charlie’ as your cast can’t hurt either.

“It is such a pleasure to accept this award on behalf of the cast and crew of Oleanna. Putting on the play was an incredibly rewarding experience which, nevertheless, was extremely demanding for the actors and required a lot of hard work both in and out of rehearsals. To be rewarded like this for the amount of time and energy everyone involved put into this production really means a lot. We are so proud, having taken a risk on a difficult and rarely revived play, to have staged it successfully and in a way that resonated with a student audience. Congratulations to everyone involved and thank you so much to everyone for voting!”

– Emma Hall, director

 Worst Slating – Zombie Haiku 

“My review will be

Written only in haikus

Because it’s easy.”

For the first time in history, a Tab review actually, objectively, attains the status of poetry.

“It’s a rare honour to be named the show that has most successfully dragged unrelenting hatred from the Tab’s comments sections directly into the paper itself. Whilst I regret that I will no longer be shaming Cambridge’s stages with my work, I can only hope that the show arouses such passionate responses on an international scale when it performs at ISDF later this year.”

– Chloe Mashiter, director

 Worst Response to a Review – Mother Courage and Her Children 

 “…when measured up to the standards which this very production had set for itself, it fell depressingly short.”

Now if anyone would have been pleased by explosive reactionary response, it would have been old Bertolt himself. So maybe the production in its own sneaky way has prevailed over us. Maaaybe. 

“…disgustingly biased…”

“…while you’ve been editor, there’s been a load of shite.”

“I suppose Ami Jones would prefer it if people just took these plays and performed them the same way again and again.”

“Have you ever been in a sound box?”

“I take exception to the use of ‘fuck’ in a review.”

-Various comments-scum

 Spirit of Theatre Award – Bereavement: The Musical 

“Go on, ask someone out while you’re young and alive: we’ll be in the ground soon enough.” 

A close-but-no-cigar contender for our most controversial review ever – we give it an award anyway.

“On behalf of Jeff, Mairin and everyone else involved in this show I would like to say thank you to all the people who took the time to vote for us and who came to watch in the first place. We wanted to make a show that was open, honest and that could provide a fresh perspective on a difficult subject whilst being engaging and entertaining. We are really pleased that people felt that this intention appealed to the spirit of theatre, and that something which arose from such negative personal experiences seemed to resonate with others, and to spread a little hope and a sense of togetherness amongst our incredibly generous audiences.”

Andy Brock, director

Most Incorrect Review – Mother Courage and Her Children

 “I was promised ‘a story that is utterly beautiful and utterly devastating.’ Well, I guess one of those turned out to be true.”

Some woman called Ami Jones won this. Apparently she used to be nice, then sold her soul to The Tab and turned into a talentless, bitchy, review-spawning whore. Which is totally ridiculous – anyone who knows her will tell you she was always like that.

“Ever since I was a tender-livered fresher it has been my greatest life-purpose to achieve the honour of this award. Now that it’s happened I feel I can finally meet my demise in peace, which I know will bring untold joy to the backstage areas of Cambridgeshire. Now if you’ll excuse me I have some more theatre to destroy.”

– Ami Jones, ‘winning’ critic

  • James Swanton

    For those kindly twenty-two percent, I'll be up to more one-man madness next term:… … Would be splendid to see you there!

  • For the next time

    How about a poll for best new writing? With so much of it in Cambridge, it seems sensible to give some recognition.

  • YourMother WouldSay

    I take exception to your use of the word "scum" to describe me.

  • New Writing

    Completely agree, let's have a new writing category!

  • Amy Rogers

    “The pole dancing in strip clubs is a world away from the stuff I do. It’s more vertical gymnastics than, you know.”

    This boy needs to go to a fucking strip club and see the shit girls do on pole, 1000000 times better than any pole fitness bullshit.

    You’re taking an art perfected by strippers and then vilifying strippers for it…please please just stop. So sick of strippers being stigmatised at the same time as you taking something they made and marketing it to the masses as something ‘more wholesome’.

    • Zoë Page

      So behind this. Please do take pole fitness but don’t throw strippers under the bus by feeling the need to explain it as “not like that”

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