The News From The Dark Blues

OUCA being naughty, Exeter College clean up conferencing, and dinging arrangements GO MAD in Oxford this week.

Oxford is gearing up for another hack-a-clysm in the form of this term’s Union elections.

The streets shall be awash with the blood of first years as the demonic torchbearers of the so-called “last bastion of free speech” backstab, network, brown-nose and backstab some more in their chase for top committee slots.

You can almost hear the collective rectum-tightening of an entire University at the sound of the dreaded word “nominations.”

And that, of course, is not the only way politics has reared its ugly head in the Dreaming Spires this week.

A five-month investigation into the culture and behaviour of OUCA, triggered by a scandal in everyone’s favourite tabloid whipping-boy The Oxford Student, has led to the society being denied affiliation with the University – at least temporarily.

Fortunately for some, Oxford’s Tories went out with more of a whimper thanks to the University’s shrewd media tactics. In a dazzlingly effective PR move, the press office covertly tipped off Cherwell about the development, expecting the story to be broken in an unashamedly limp and passive way. They were not disappointed.

Unfortunately for others, one nasty hack had already gotten wind of the disaffiliation and promptly splashed it all over page seven of The Telegraph. Ruthless bastard.

It then transpired that the main reason behind OUCA’s disaffiliation – and it was no fault of thes current committee – was that its handling of accounts had been shambolic, to say the least.

The utter failure to pay a £1200 bill for a posh meal at a London dining club in 2009, with Liam Fox as guest of honour, was the last straw for Oxford’s bigwigs.

Following the investigation the bill has subsequently been paid, with the current OUCA President pledging £100 to a soldier’s charity in recompense.

In other news, Exeter College has changed its room-hiring policy after Christian-gate and rumours abound that the religious group has pulled out of the conference altogether, though this is yet to be confirmed.

Elsewhere, St Anne’s College dining has been revolutionized by the addition of a gazebo, while Somerville undergrads will enjoy their Halfway Hall celebration not in a grand Harry Potter-esque chamber, but amid the chunder-spattered, sweating walls of curry-house Jamals (much like its rhyming Cam counterpart).

Some say the place smells of malaria and nightmares. But at this stage I am unable to confirm such a claim and invite you to dismiss it as idle gossip. And on that note – Rothwell out.

  • Jamal's

    Wagwarn. Our goat curry is far better than that of this 'Mahal of Cambridge'.

    • Levi Roots

      In Jamaica it's "curry goat".

  • Olga Viruli

    'St Anne’s College dining has been revolutionized by the addition of a gazebo'. What a depressing sentence.

  • :-/

    Jamal doesn't rhyme with Mahal.

    • Floreat

      It does if you speak properly you little pleb

Get the best of The Tab on our app.

The NUS can’t be reformed from within

Do you hate anti-Semitism so much that you want to stay in the NUS and fight against it?

You’re at Cambridge, you know change is slow: Why we must stay affiliated to NUS

I am urging Cambridge students to vote NO to disaffiliation, not because the NUS is perfect, but precisely because it’s not.

Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now: My Revision Period In Smiths Tracks

How a jangly 80s indie band perfectly summed up the revision period

, Cardiff Editor of The Tab

Facebook was right to remove an advert featuring plus-sized model Tess Holliday

Images of significantly overweight women are as damaging as size zero women


What’s the ugliest accent in the UK?

There are so many unpleasant dialects to choose from


57 per cent of graduates would vote to remain in the EU, says new poll

And 14 per cent support leaving

What not to say to someone with depression

No, they can’t just ‘snap out of it’