Theatre Guide Dog: Week 5

By on

THE THEATRE GUIDE DOG is tired of all your crying.

As the infamous week looms over us, I feel it is my duty to combat your pathetic self-prophetic colour-coding.

I shall instead take this opportunity to revel in the colour yellow. Stop feeling so fucking sorry for yourselves, it’s only one of the most stressful educational institutions on the planet. Here are some facts to start you off:

1) Coldplay performed their hit “Yellow” at the “Celebrating Steve” event at Apple in memory of Steve Jobs in October 2011. When Coldplay first performed the song for Jobs ten years earlier, he had said it was “shit” and that “they would never make it”.

2) The term “yellow movie” (????) can refer to films of pornographic nature in Chinese culture, and is analogous to the English “blue movie”.

3) Yellow is an effective colour to surround yourself with when studying, as it has a stimulating effect on the mind. See how good I am to you?

Wolfson Howler – 20th February only

Kicking off a week of misguided belief that the best antidote for stress and anxiety is LOLZ. But it does feature Josh Widdicombe, whoever that is.

Wolfson College Bar, 8.30pm £5

Corpus Smoker – 20th February only

Another chance to laugh away your blues, if you missed the start of the Howler (or decided to leave early). This one has both a Pierre Novellie and audience prizes/awards.

Corpus Playroom, 9.30pm £5-6

Les Justes – 21st-25th February

Now this is more like it. Watch people get angry and stressy about killing people and blowing things up. Also the possibility of Russian accents. Probably not, but one always hopes.

Corpus Playroom, 7pm £5-6

The Priory – 21st-25th February

Middle-class people ingesting alcohol and cocaine get angry at each other. Still a comedy, though.

ADC, 7.45pm £6-10

A Midsummer Night’s Dream – 21st-25th February

Even the more cultured offering insists on being “funny” this week. However, it has been rehearsed twice as much as your average Cambridge show. And is accordingly thrice as expensive.

Cambridge Arts Theatre, 7.45pm £15-25

Pilot – 21st-25th February

MEANWHILE, in an AEROPLANE, MORE funny things happen.

Corpus Playroom, 9.30pm £5-6

Write-Offs: A Sketch Show – 21st-24th February

Watch people being funny about being funny. It’s all very clever.

Christ’s Yusuf Hamied Theatre, 9.30pm £4-5

Some Enchanted Evening – 21st February only

Superficial sugariness in heavily condensed chunks. Think having fudge rammed down your throat after a particularly nasty breakup.

ADC, 11pm £5-6

The Seventh Seal – 22nd-25th February

Get dark, cultural and broody in the ADC with Ingmar Bergman. Get excited: this could mean the ADC’s weekly cocktail contains seven separate ingredients.

ADC, 11pm £4-6

Die Fledermaus – 23rd-25th February

Even the opera people are being cheerful; is there no hope? Still, claims that it involves Made in Chelsea in some way could still leave room for some healthy Schadenfreude. 

West Road Concert Hall, 8pm/2pm £10-16

  • Good dog.

    The yellow thing made me smile. :)

  • Funkasaurus

    Somebody call my momma!

    • Mr Brodus Clay

      Did I say that out loud? Mah bad

      • Funaksaurus


  • constable table

    This column is like Camdram but with unhelpful descriptions and snide remarks.

  • Anon

    big respect to university police and that dude

  • Anon

    They should identify the shithouse who walked past, looked and did nothing

    • Anon

      He might not have seen the gun, just two lads kicking off.

      • anon

        Even so, anyone decent would try to intervene.

  • ApparationOfTheInternet

    All the adjectives here imply some fear “terror” or “horror” felt by the student, I would feel hard done by if I was him guy handled his business, I will be less judgmental of students now everyone in Leeds has no bottle always getting robbed without any weapons involved

  • You’re an idiot.

    Please use spellcheck and correct your grammar.

  • Not so ignorant

    Right, I’m totally okay with people leaving stuff on a desk to nip out to buy some food, grab water, get more supplies from john smiths whatever, then come back. What I’m not okay with is people who leave their stuff for a notoriously long time (more than 25 mins maybe? Oh wait, that’s the rule). Some students don’t have the means to study at home or get too distracted. There is just not enough computers for everyone to bagsy while they go to lectures. nnAlso, being there and back within three hours? You’d be lucky to find your stuff sprawled on the floor intact! What would you say to that? “Hey eh man that’s my computer, I got here at like 8.30am, had a few lectures but..” nnoh, cool story bro. nnSorry for being one of those “annoying” individuals but what’s fair is fair, and I’m looking out for other students who are not quite so fortunate as me or you to have a quiet study space (or computer!) back home. nn

  • You’re still an idiot.

    I’ve just re-read this absolutely shocking piece of writing and I can’t believe the amount of crap you think its acceptable to spew. This article makes you sound like a bigoted, classist, and uneducated cunt. You should be ashamed of yourself. nDoes The Tab not allow you to edit your articles? The grammar is simply awful.

Heard something newsworthy?

By and on

The mafia is opening its ranks

The Tab is giving out free CV points.

By ,         on

Tab writers: Where are they now?

They were the ones who insisted they’d stop writing when you stopped reading

By on

REVIEW: 5 Lesbians Eating a Quiche

5 lesbians. 1 quiche. What could go wrong? Almost everything, Dani Cugini discovers, in this hilarious play.

By , Chief Reporter on

The one that got away: An interview with Caggie Dunlop

She doesn’t even watch Made in Chelsea any more

By , Royal Holloway Guide Features Editor of The Tab on

A former London bus driver tells us why he decided to work for Uber instead

He genuinely didn’t see you running for the bus

By on

Getting paid for Instagram posts: How easy is it?

Lexi Harvey asks the social media starlets posting their freebies

By , Chief Reporter on

Taking a photo with Eddie Redmayne at work got me sacked

He was fired on his day off from All Saints for meeting his hero

By , Head of Marketing on

Revealed: Nottingham’s Andy Hoe is the best promoter in the UK

He got almost half of the overall vote

By , Deputy Editor on

I wore an ‘I love consent’ t-shirt on a night out

Consent is sexy