The Tattler


Lost in the dingy confines of Wetherspoons, The Tattler is in need of assistance.

Please help.

You’ll probably find me in Weatherspoons renegotiating last orders.

I need you to take me home.

My cheeks are unshaven, my eyebrows unplucked, my teeth unbrushed, my bush unshaped, my mind unclear and my cock untreatable. Really. It’s like a fucking rainbow.

How did it come to this? My introduction to ‘real’ student life started out well. I was very taken by the sweaty nights out and soon found a niche for fingering everyone and anyone in dark corners. I really don’t know why more privileged students don’t spend their time here denying their backgrounds…

But then it all went wrong.

Vicki got me hooked on ale, stole all of my possessions and buggered off.

Having briefly rubbed shoulders with common students as planned, I now appear to be breaking bread with local drunks. What wasn’t stolen from me has now been sold.

As miserable as this may be, there is one thought that is giving me the strength to go on: “Fuck, this is going to look good in my memoirs.”

  • WTF

    is this?

  • TPJ

    Please help.
    You’ll probably find me in Weatherspoons renegotiating last orders.
    I need you to take me home.
    My cheeks are unshaven, my eyebrows unplucked, my teeth unbrushed, my bush unshaped, my mind unclear and my cock untreatable. Really. It’s like a fucking rainbow.
    How did it come to this? My introduction to ‘real’ student life started out well. I was very taken by the sweaty nights out and soon found a niche for fingering everyone and anyone in dark corners. I really don’t know why more privileged students don’t spend their time here denying their backgrounds…
    But then it all went wrong.
    Vicki got me hooked on ale, stole all of my possessions and buggered off.
    Having briefly rubbed shoulders with common students as planned, I now appear to be breaking bread with local drunks. What wasn’t stolen from me has now been sold.
    As miserable as this may be, there is one thought that is giving me the strength to go on: “Fuck, I really ought to be at U21s training.”

  • One of

    the worst, most incomprehensible things I've ever read. I feel like I've chanced upon a sociopath trying his hand (if you pardon the pun) at erotic literature.

  • You are

    Sophie Thorpe in disguise, aren't you?

    • Observer

      She's waiting to bottle up all the venom from the comments, and then use it to support her "If I wrote under a male psuedonym" coloumn…

  • Wetherspoons

    Last orders negotiations might be more successful if you could get our name right…

  • It didn't…

    …say "cunt", so it's probably not Anna Isaac.

  • ffdsf

    Was this written by Rodent?

  • Johnnie Walker

    You're such a dick

  • Bring back

    Lexi Abrams

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, Cambridge Editor

BREAKING: NUS employee breaks referendum rules

Tsk tsk NUS.

BREAKING: Record breaking turnout for NUS Referendum so far

CUSU Coordinator confirms that DSO referendum turnout exceeded after just one day of voting

The NUS can’t be reformed from within

Do you hate anti-Semitism so much that you want to stay in the NUS and fight against it?

Can you guess the price of these Waitrose ‘Essentials’?

You paid how much for Ardennes Pâté?

, Argument Editor

Forget London, I’m moving to Bath

It’s better in every single way

,        

The definitive list of all the most annoying people in the world

This is really, really long

,        

The world’s biggest bouncy castle is going to be at Bestival

Yeah, you’ll probably fall off