How to dispose of your RAG and alienate many...POPPY MORRIS is here to help if tonight's RAG helping ain't looking great.
Tonight’s the night, everyone. RAG Blind Date is upon us. The heady days of carefree form-filling are over and it’s time to face the music. Quite literally, if you were smart enough to ‘admit’ that your favourite song is Sexual Healing.
It would be lovely if all our dates turn out as matches made in RAG heaven: like-minded people bonding over the thrill of organised fun. But somehow, I have my doubts.
And therefore I present to you my best attempt at an escape plan, should you need one. Anything that might get you arrested is out, RAG being for charity and all that, but a combination of these gems should do the trick. Perfect.
1. Apparently we form our impressions of someone within eleven seconds of meeting them. If alarm bells are ringing before you’ve bought your first drink, be tactical. Sow seeds of oddity now. Boys should ask for anything involving Malibu, ‘the real man’s drink’. Girls, a tot of sherry will do, or a nice glass of milk.
2. As conversations kick off, the tactics can begin. Stare at a point in the middle distance behind your date and ‘react’ to it: laughing or nodding are both good starting points. Eventually they will look around: It’s time they met your imaginary friend.
3. Awkward chat should now be flowing like a boulder down a mountain. Stuck for how to respond to your date’s love of knitting? It’s time for some baffling word games. A splash of Pig Latin might be genius here, ofway oursecay! If not, perhaps repeat every every fourth word you say say?
4. Become a hobbies bore yourself, with the potential to waffle on for hours. If tedium won’t force their hand, add some sprinkles of public humiliation: if you were born to row, demonstrate your erg technique very flamboyantly, shouting loudly about the little cox you saw just this morning. Your date should now have at least one eye on the door.
5. If you need a shorter, sharper burst of the crazies then it’s time to whack out some impromptu musical theatre. Jazz hands obligatory, channel your inner Justin Bieber/ Miley Cyrus manic smile and go get’em, tiger. Don’t fall into the trap of doing anything sexy, like All That Jazz: weird dates might take that as flirtation. You Can’t Stop The Beat (Hairspray) or If You Were Gay (Avenue Q) might be more suitable. Get going on your Youtube homework now…
I’m a big girl now…
6… finished rehearsals? Excellent. This musical delight can segue into explaining why you construct this happy-go-lucky ‘facade’, pouring your heart out to your unsuspecting date about the ‘battle’ (use X Factor language) to overcome your very traumatic childhood. A past, tragic romance might be good here with ‘Timmy’, ‘Kitty’ or the like. Leave it very ambiguous as to whether the object of your affections was human or animal.
7. Now for a few quickfire rounds. Dribble unashamedly down your chin, for no reason. Beautiful.
8. Scratch yourself, like a student possessed. Imitate a monkey while doing so, for a whole new level of bizarre. Desperate times, desperate measures.
9. Continue to move your mouth, but only mime words. Act as though nothing is wrong. Smile through the miming, just to prove how normal this whole situation is.
10. The aim here is to make your date leave. You are then free to continue enjoying the drinks deals and Cindies experience. In case you are forced to surrender, get handy with your smartphone and pre-download ‘Fake-A-Call’. As always, there’s an app for that.
That cushion is so last season.
Who said romance was dead? Go forth and conquer, RAG Blind-Daters.