Top 5: Thinking Totty

By , Senior Tab reporter on

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HOLLY STEVENSON rounds up the most gifted and gorgeous men and women in TV land for your delectation.

If you were looking for a little beauty with brains a few years ago, there was a simple choice: Carol Vorderman for the boys, and George Clooney for the girls (he played a doctor in ER, right?). But since Vorders has strutted off our screens and we suddenly realised that George is actually quite old, there is a gap for those who like their crushes bodacious and bright. Here’s my pick of the sexy and smart crew:

5) Bettany Hughes

Classical historian from The Other Place, with a penchant for running breathlessly around Greek landscape with a little too much leather on. Other interests include: oiled up Spartans and columns. Big, luscious, Doric columns.

4) Alex Guttenplan

Our own home-grown demigod. Personal fantasies range from offering him many, many bonuses to finishing him off in a breathless rush at the sound of the gong. The closest I’ve managed so far is a swift fondling of his vegetables in Sainsbury’s.

3)  Brian Cox

The D:Reamy face of popular science, whose fondness for academic excellence and sensible shoes make him perfect for meeting your parents for lunch. Of course, his debauched rock-star past also makes him perfect for a sly one on the dining room table afterwards, once said parents are asleep in front of Flog It. Could accelerate my particles any day of the week.

2) Rachel Riley

Picture the scene: you’ve woken up at 12pm after a heavy dose of Cindies magic. You spend the afternoon stumbling around your room feeling like a pack of Johnians are gaffawing directly into your soul. Then, magically, 3.15pm arrives, and your eyes are treated to an angelic figure offering to take a not only a big one, but five from anywhere else as well. We are not worthy of such a kinky treat. Especially at tea time.

1)    Victoria Coren

The undisputed heavyweight champion of thinking totty. An ale connoisseur, professional poker player and latex loving dominatrix (probably), Ms Coren seems to have been purpose-cast in the foundry of nerd fantasies. Brings back all those funny fizzing sensations at being called to the headmistresses office for being a very bad boy.

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  • Poker player

    Victoria Coren gives me a royal flush.

  • Iron Maiden – SO much hotter and brainier than no. 1 – astrophysics, top poker player AND models for Maxim.

    • crikey

      Oh wow an undergrad degree in astrophysics gee wiz.

  • queer

    Never fancied Guttenplan that much to be honest. That guy from UCA last year was FINE though.

  • Bobo

    i would smash Coren's pair with my straight.

    • Crafty Vet.

      Mate, I'd be all-in with my straight.

  • Kevin Bacon

    missing lovely little Ms. Portman

  • shut up

    How could you forget Alice Roberts?

  • Emma


  • Patrick Mayer

    i would throb on her

  • twitterer

    where's jack euesden?

  • countdown master


  • agreed

    victoria coren made a porn film

  • Screenshot

    What about Homerton Euesden??!?

  • Blimey


  • TPJ

    Because I'm in U21s I don't think of totty, the totty think of me!

  • Jonny

    Hey sexy

  • Warm Blooded Male

    I would willingly provide penis penetration for the lovely Ms Coren. Hmm. Less so for Guttenplan, but hey: never say never.

  • David Mitchell

    I entirely agree with Ms. Stevenson's conclusions.

  • Name

    When Latinos stop referring to the UK as ‘England’ then they will have the right to criticise our geographical terminology.

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