Leaf’s Lunches: Selwyn

By on

This week LEAF ARBUTHNOT is at Selwyn, where she uncovers the solution to all your dessert dilemmas.

[rating: 3/5]

When I was a kid, I often fantasized about eating my pudding before the main. Now that I am far from the admonishing stare of my mother, I’m uncomfortably aware that I could technically do this fairly regularly. Indeed it could become standard procedure at every meal – “Of course I’m going to destroy my Eve’s Pudding before taking down my Salmon Goujons, what of it?”

Sadly, pudding-avant-main does not appeal as much as it once did except when there’s something ludicrously exciting for dessert. And thankfully at Selwyn, there was.

Who would have guessed that this college has solved all my dessert dilemmas?

This mighty college has solved one of the biggest dilemmas facing mankind since the sixth day of creation, namely whether one should pick the reliable, jam-filled, no-hole doughnut or its sexy American cousin, the ring donut. Go for the former and you sacrifice the icing, go for the latter and you sacrifice the jam. It’s heart-wrenching.

Selwyn has relegated this quandary to the dustbin of history in a gesture of show-stopping elegance by taking the ring doughnut complete with icing and hole and FILLING IT WITH JAM. See the photographic evidence. And you thought Inception was a mindfuck.

This is what the expression ‘ftw’ was made for

Had the other components of my meal been as pioneering, I would have written to the Master advising him to change his college’s name to SelWIN. But unfortunately, the donut emerged as a swan amongst ducklings; although quite enjoyable, the rest of the food was characterised by adequacy as opposed to innovation.

I had a splash of pork stew that was a little on the tin-from-Sainsbury’s side, sloppy and unseasoned. My two Selwinner friends had chips with buns filled with freshly carved turkey and cranberry sauce. The meat was tender and the chips extremely good, yielding formidable crunch and oil ooze. We finished up with a bleak apricot crumble that reminded me why I don’t like apricots.

A serious anti-climax after the doughnut-related excitement

So, all in all: Sel-win on days where there are donuts in the pudding section, Sel-well-it’s-better-than-the-Sidgwick-buttery on days where there aren’t. Also beware of the famous one o’clock rush; it’s epic.

  • logic. There is none

    you only gave Selwyn 3* after you gave St Catz 5* based on their cashier?! http://cambridgetab.co.uk/culture/leafs-lunches-s

    • Marge

      Humour. There is lots.

  • Selwynite

    "Selwinner " – technically wrong, but awesome.

  • Nom

    Sainsburys Iced Superdoughnut. Normal jam filled, but iced. Win.

  • Police

    You should really stop leafing around in other colleges.

  • palate

    can't get enough good oil ooze nowadays

  • Harsh

    considering…'My two Selwinner friends had chips with buns filled with freshly carved turkey and cranberry sauce. The meat was tender and the chips extremely good, yielding formidable crunch and oil ooze'.

    And why pick the apricot pudding if you don't like apricots?

  • nolo

    ftw – fuck the what?


    leaf I ADORE YA. great article.

  • Frances Ritson

    1 tsp: Dear One Almighty God: Thank you for Leaf and her wonderful articles and the lunches she has had for us. Sorry I could not have been with her. Please can Leaf find the moral strength to keep on going in Cambridge writing these informative reports. Amen.

Heard something newsworthy?

By and on

The mafia is opening its ranks

The Tab is giving out free CV points.

By on

REVIEW: And Then There Were Nuns

Lia Johansen-Villanueva was promised cocktails and an evening of laughter. The team behind And Then There Were Nuns delivered, and even threw in a lovely furry hat.

By on

The Love of the Nightingale and violence against women

Fresher director Eva O’Flynn discusses dealing with themes of rape and abuse of women in theatre on the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.

By , Chief Reporter on

The one that got away: An interview with Caggie Dunlop

She doesn’t even watch Made in Chelsea any more

By , Deputy Editor on

I wore an ‘I love consent’ t-shirt on a night out

Consent is sexy

By on

Loughborough The struggles of being a tall girl

Groups shots are a nightmare

By on

London Where should you live in North London?

We tried to contact South London but the expeditionary team never returned

By , Contributing Editor on

How much noise should boys make in bed?

Say your own name over and over again, obviously

By , Contributing Editor on

When did Instagram become an excuse to look at soft porn

Answer: as soon as you downloaded it