JESSICA O'DRISCOLL-BREEN didn't enjoy Fresh Meat. But she did pick up some Peking duck drying-based tips.
Channel 4, Wednesdays at 10pm
Brand, new drama Fresh Meat centres around the lives of six freshers at university, who move into a house together despite not knowing each other. Potential for high jinx and hilarity, right? Don’t hold your breath.
To be perfectly honest, there’s more craic in Newhnam on a Wednesday night than in this student den. Imagine the fellas from The Inbetweeners at university (except Jay’s character is now a girl called Oregon) and divide the banter they have by three. Now you have Fresh Meat. At one point in the show, Simon from The Inbetweeners (who has a new name, but plays the same character) compares the housemates to Hufflepuff students. Enough said.
At a running time of 40 minutes, the first episode of Fresh Meat did not manage to hold my Internet-warped attention for long. I watched it on 4oD, where the backdrop is a collage of tastefully edited nude photos of the cast. This is what initially distracted me, and about 20 minutes into the show, I found myself replying to emails, moisturising my feet, and looking at photos of myself on Facebook (or the Facebook-within-Facebook that it has rather bizarrely become).
The motley crew
There is one saving grace, however: the character Howard. Howard has me in stitches. The first time we meet him, he is standing in the kitchen with his willy out, drying Peking ducks with a hairdryer. Excellent. I’d do that if I had a willy. Or Peking ducks.
Vod’s character is also funny. As the token lesbian, she brings a bit of girl power to the house, which is always a good thing. She advises the other girls to get a man and just “strap him on for the night” – a phrase I am definitely going to start using. Vod also came out with the brilliant: “If I had a wrap of speed and a little bag of weed and some proper coffee and some ProPlus and a bottle of Night Nurse and some mushrooms and some books, I could bang out a statement in half an hour and it’d be brilliant. But I don’t.” Vod, girrrrrrl, I feel you. And so will all of us in a couple of weeks.
Fresh Meat isn’t meaty. Or fresh. It’s just a bit warm and fuzzy in places. I’ll give it another chance next week, purely to see what Howard and Vod come out with, but I don’t imagine I’ll manage the whole episode.