Mark Liu on May Week

May Week is upon us and I am very excited! I have been to a May Ball once but that was a few years ago, and I can’t seem to remember what it was like despite having an eidetic memory.

I plan to spend most of May Week with my core friends: Imran, JayJay, The Hulk and Winnie the Poon. We call her that because she is a woman; her real name is Mary. She is probably the only female friend I would not sleep with. She is like a sister to me, in that she is very unattractive and annoying.

As far as may balls go, we plan to break into as many as possible. Breaking in is cool, because it is a crime and crimes are cool. I already announced live on CamFM that I will be breaking into St Johns May Ball. I cannot tell you the full plan, only that it is slightly more convoluted than Ocean’s Eleven, but nowhere near as much as Inception, and I have already acquired several disguises, fake wristbands, scuba gear and food supplies for when I’m hiding behind my closet in my room.

I was going to apply to look after drunk people for money, until I learned it is same sex only. I can imagine why, because girls can get very dirty while drunk. However, it seems like an easy way for gay people to pick up. I guess it is just another form of positive discrimination.

To be honest I am not expecting much from May Week in general. I find drunk people very annoying, especially when they come up to me and hug me and tell me how great I am and that I’m a genius and they wish they could be like me. I really hate that. Full body touching should only be sexual or during a wrestle or both; see my wikihow article on how to touch appropriately in social situations.

My only hope is that I run into my favourite Tab columnist, not going to say who, but she is sexy and her name begins with L, and also rhymes with sexy. I can’t wait to meet her!