Tab Best Bloke: Winner Announced

The votes have been counted and The Tab can now announce who you awarded the title of Best Bloke to have come out of Cambridge.

byron David Attenborough David Mitchell Stephen Fry

The votes have been counted…

What does the line up tell us about what constitutes the ideal Cantab lad? Get ready to change your lifestyle and follow the true masters with a breakdown of why they’re great.

1st place: David Mitchell. 17%

Lad lesson: Cracking chat.

Lads should take every opportunity to showcase their wit and ingenuity to provide them with illustrious stories to whip out on their next swap. Make sure that your banter decanter is brimming with hilarious tales of ingenuity; the newest technique to stretch your mind further than any supervision could is ‘Hide the VK’, a game which forces you to think of new and interesting places in which to hide an alcopop in the path of a hopefully hungover mate, who will be forced to down it in one upon discovery. The winner plumbing the depths of ingenuity so far: a Swiss Roll.

Other methods of improving your wit include writing apology letters to your opponents after poor Pro-Evo performances and getting your balls out. So listen to That Mitchell and Webb Sound and remember some of the gags to bring out on your next lad-gathering. If conversation fails, revert to the straight arm.

2nd Place: Stephen Fry. 15%

Lad Lesson: Hanging out with the boys.

Fry’s high position in the rank reaffirms the truth that hanging out with the ladies is for the anti-lad. True lads avoid the babes and stand in the corner shouting ‘schweffing’, with requisite arm movement, as a warning to a fellow lad who is close to falling foul of this lesson.

Moreover, Salman Rushdie is a perv and he came last. So take ‘lads lads lads’ seriously, and as far as you can before swinging the other way.

3rd Place: Lord Byron. 14%

Lad Lesson: Extravagant Opulence.

The votes have proven that posh boys are back in. Join The Pitt Club and start flashing the cash; sport a velvet smoking jacket inappropriately often and start shagging on Hugh Grant-esque levels. Port and cheese is now your choice of pre-lash, giving you time to show off your teddy bear, given that a real one is pretty hard to come by.

The new Facebook profiles are a gift; maximise their potential to create a new background for yourself. Master Photoshop and create some shots of you and the beagle pack outside a large country pad, with an elderly military grandfather alongside. Use recent snowfall as an excuse to show off how charming the castle looks in its white blanket; situate said castle somewhere in Scotland and no one will question its veracity.

4th Place: David Attenborough. 14%

What a shame that such a hero should just miss the top three by just 4 votes. With his dulcet tones this man is the epitome of dangerous, adventure lad. And that is precisely why he has missed the top spots. His daring feats of derring-do are clearly seen as fool-hardy by the cotton-wool-wrapped lads of Cambridge, for whom an adventure consists of going to watch ‘Black Swan’ at the Picturehouse.

Most importantly, the lack of sporting lads on this list is an excellent reason to tell the boaties to fuck off. The Hawk’s club is clearly just not cool anymore.

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5th place Sacha Baron Cohen 13%
6th place Jeremy Paxman 9%
7th place Charles Darwin 7%
8th place The Inbetweeners 6%
Runner up Stephen Hawking 5%
Last place Salman Rushdie 2%