It’s The News!

Ed Miliband opposes damaging coalition policy on carbon emissions

The Labour Leader Ed Miliband has launched a stinging rebuke of the Coalition Government’s Green Policy in his regular press conference. Describing the government as “socially irresponsible” and “out of touch with the electorate,” Miliband set his stall out in opposition to the “Conservative Led” government’s pro breathing stance. “On this simple matter, we can all easily lower our carbon dioxide emissions by breathing less often but this government just isn’t interested in making sure it helps the people who voted them in.” Asked whether this was a sensible policy stance, Miliband replied “I lead a responsible opposition.”

Student Fees Protest campaign continues to gather pace

Alexander Fotherington-Harvey the 19th, comrade superior of Upper/Middle Class Morons for increased Education of the Unwashed Serfs, released a statement confidently asserting his belief in the success of their movement: “Since our civil disobedience campaign and incredibly prominent protesting tactics, the government majority of four in 2004 has collapsed to a pathetic twenty, showing us that this CONDEM government is about to fall. When this happens, we can start to protest about other less important issues such as human rights abuses, gender equality and the horror of war.”

Following a period of uncertainty, it has been announced that the National Health Service will reform this year.

With key members such as lead singer Public Accountability, drummer State Responsibility and lead guitarist Adequate Treatment leaving, band manager Andrew Lansley has brought back some old favourites to fill the gaps left, with Uncaring Government, Special Interests and Unequal Healthcare all returning to the line up. Booked to play venues mostly in the Midlands and the North of England, the NHS are expected to perform the hits The Drugs Don’t Work, On Your Own and 99 Problems (the waiting list is one).” Ticket prices will be announced later, following negotiations between GP Consortia and drugs companies.

Foreign Office Advice Warns of Travel Danger

The Foreign Office has issued advice to travellers entering the country. A spokesman said: “We strongly advise that during this time of turmoil on the streets and violence, that you make sure you leave London well alone on the days that the students are protesting.”

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TAB EXCLUSIVE: My Mate’s A Lad in!

The Tab can exclusively reveal that one of the editor’s mates has received an offer from Cambridge and is an absolute lad. Adam Goodshag was a total menace to the ladies while still at Public School and is now, after a massive amount of chappish behaviour in Thailand, Cambridge bound. Speaking exclusively to us, Goodshag claimed: “I’m going to be as universally loved as much as Juan Zober De Francisco, Seb Dunnett and Navdog are universally hated. Banter.”

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And this week in the paper edition of “It’s the News,” which is exclusively available for a subscription fee of £26 a week:

Business

EXCLUSIVE 12 PAGE SPREAD: Bankers using bonuses to construct Death Star (pg 56-57)

Mervyn King writes to Cameron to explain high Inflation. “Economy’s fucked,” it reads (pg 58-70)

Culture

Brit Award Nominees list produces no surprises: talentless, the lot of them (pg 75-77)

Giant Blue Cock to stand on Fourth Plinth, “less interesting than it first sounded”

Sport:

Footballer signs for Premier League club because he wants to play football (pg 86)

Andy Murray confident increased training will make him first Scotsman to earn “Plucky Brit” title (pg 87)

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Who do you think you are? BBC 1, Monday 7pm

In this week’s edition, George Osborne attempts to track down his ancestors while members of the public affected by the spending cuts accost him in the street.

Take me out, ITV Saturday 7.45 pm

Paddy McGuiness presents a special celebrity edition of the dating programme. Will the ladies leave their lights on for virtual rogue Julian Assange or will they turn them off and hope he doesn’t sexually assault them in the opportunistic gloom? No likey, doesn’t matter!

FA Cup Tie, ITV Sunday 12.30 pm

Watch as insert big name team play insert plucky underdog team name in a tie that promises to be explosive/action packed/a real treat for the neutrals. Insert big name team start as favourites but expect insert plucky underdog team name to really go for it/cause an upset/ physically embody the magical properties that the FA cup has.