Vince Unable

Once upon a time, there was a man called Vince Cable who was revered across the land. He was the only man in the world who could predict Britain’s every downfall, and he was the only man who could get us back on our feet. But, all of a sudden, everything changed. Vince was no longer Britain’s golden boy, and his recent antics have left many people wondering why on earth he was ever front-runner in the race to become Chancellor of the Exchequer.

The Telegraph struck gold when they sent undercover reporters, posing as constituents, on a Vince-destroying-mission. The truth about Vince Cable was finally uncovered. Turns out, our Business Secretary is no ordinary man. Vince Cable has the power to bring this coalition government to its knees, and he has control over what he calls ‘the nuclear option’. What’s more, he’s at war with Rupert Murdoch! And I’ve got a feeling the kind of war we’re dealing with here could go well beyond having a peak at page 3 and not paying for the paper.

Vince Cable’s unprofessional conduct has played havoc with his reputation, making him look like a complete and utter berk. Even Ed Miliband, the ‘student politician’, has called on Vince to resign.  Vince Cable has gone beyond student-like fanaticism, and is like a 5-year-old who, in a self-glorified manner, has donned his toy sword and shield setting out to wage war on his parents for making him go to bed at 7pm, got told on by his sister, and has now had his bedtime moved to 6.30pm, with his toy armour confiscated.

Vince Cable

Cambridge MP, Julian Huppert attempted to give some credibility to Vince Cable’s cause, by tweeting: declaring war on Murdoch is ‘better than declaring war on Iraq,’ and: ‘Vince Cable is fighting hard for Lib Dem principles and policies.’ Pretty weak. I seem to remember Lib Dem policies involving stopping the VAT bombshell and getting rid of tuition fees, NOT babbling to complete strangers about your hidden abilities to bring down the government.

Perhaps I’m being harsh. Maybe Vince Cable is indeed a great evolutionary. After all, who could forget his speech to the Lib Dem party conference when he tried to launch an attack on capitalism? But, the problem is: Vince Cable is now a member of the cabinet, and talking the talk just won’t cut it any more. There may well be a part of him that wishes it had been him swinging audaciously from the Cenotaph, but unless these bridled urges manage to manifest themselves in concrete policies, Vince Cable really is of as much use to us as a Wii Fit is to a Cambridge Blue.

But, one thing remains certain: after purporting his ability to bring down the government, Vince has landed himself in a position as far removed from that reality as it is possible to be. No longer is that big red button with the words ‘NUCLEAR OPTION’ on it within Vince’s grasp. It seems remarkable that the sage of the credit crunch, or as Nick Clegg likes to call him: the ‘Twinkle-toed economic prophet’, had such poor foresight that he failed to predict his own crash landing.

But, as his credibility and incredible prescience dwindle, Vince Cable can at least be glad that his prowess on the dance floor lives on. He started the year as man of leadership with his left foot forward, and he ends the year in a comparable manner (if only on Strictly Come Dancing). Unluckily for Vince, what happened in between has redefined him entirely. The man that so many wanted to become Chancellor has shown us all that his expertise is restricted to areas as far away from senior office as possible. This just leaves everyone else wondering why on earth we were so deluded as to afford him so much respect in the first place.