A Peterhouse? "Gay sex with a Tory MP who doesn’t believe there was really a holocaust. Yummy." Here is Part Two.
Catch up on Part One here…
Lucy Cavendish. The stupid college. You will recognise it only from having a quick giggle at the dummies who occupy the bottom of the Tompkins table. LC, otherwise standing for ‘Lost Cause’ is immortalised in sexual form by abject failure. Whether he can’t get it up, gets it in the wrong hole, or she starts crying half way through, they can all be called ‘doing a Lucy Cavendish’.
Magdalene. Mary Magdalene was rumoured to have got pregnant with her idol’s children, vehemently denied by said idol’s fans worldwide. Yup, she was a latter day groupie. So find that girl or guy in your college who thinks they are God’s gift to earth (there’s always one), follow them around, repeat everything they say (‘Hi’ … ‘HI, HI, THEY SAID HI!’), stare adoringly at them in bed and after their death build a religion in their honour.
Murray Edwards. Despite The Tab’s latest survey discovering that there are all of about 2 lesbians in Cambridge, we remain sure that there is a LOT of very girly sex going on at the all female colleges. The crème de la crème of lesbian fantasies? Scissoring. Just how do they do it? You could continue wondering for years. I say conduct research. On redtube for the boys, in person, with your best mate and a bottle of something strong on the bedside table, for the girls.
Newnham. Reported in The Tab last year for being asked, politely, to keep the noise down. Newnham nookie is all about screaming the house down. Whether it’s grunting, moaning or screaming “YOU ROCK MY WORLD, GUY FROM MY STATISTICS LECTURE!” let them know that it feels gooood, they’ll feel more confident, so perform better, so you’ll enjoy it even more. Plus, you kind of do want your neighbours to know you’re getting some, much though you protest otherwise.
Peterhouse. Gay sex with a Tory MP who doesn’t believe there was really a holocaust. Yummy.
Pembroke. They’re not called the Pembroke Players for nothing! Whether you truly are a thesp who has silly hair, a surgical attachment to the ADC bar and such low self esteem you will go home with your director / producer/ not the leading lady but the other one at the drop of a script, or just wish you were, all a ‘Pembroke’ requires is general sluttiness. Sleep with them even if you don’t like them, because you think they might like you and that’s flattering. Or because you’re bored. Or hungry. Plaaayeeeer!
Queens’. This College is the only one lucky enough to have its very own Karma Sutra position, called ‘The Queen’s Ecstasy’. Yes, it’s fo’ real. It’s girl on top, sitting up, lowering her lotus onto his magic wand or somesuch. Ladies, arch your back for G-spot funtimes. Boys, lie back, relax. Watch the jiggly bits jiggle.
Robinson. Girls, wear Ugg boots with a denim mini skirt and squawk “Daddy said we can go to Tanzanaah”, boys, wear loafers with jeans and a Barbour and nod, muttering “Yah, darling yah.” Then jump into a single bed together. Et voila, a fruity squash. Better known as Robinson.
St Catharine’s. Catz, it’s claws out. In honour of these feline fellows, ramp it up with a little scratching and biting. There are points for drawing blood. We’re not sure who awards them, but there are definitely points.
St Edmunds. The old people college. Whether you want a confident cougar or a sugar daddy, sweet sweet loving with someone more than 5 years older than you is now, officially, ‘scoring like St Edmund’.
St John’s. John’s, a synonym both for money, and being a twat. And interestingly, also the name for the client of a prostitute. Happily, all three can be combined, by hiring an extremely expensive prostitute. This, by the way, automatically makes you a twat, no extra bad behaviour needed.
Selwyn. The Selwyn snow ball: girls, put ice in your mouth, then suck his balls.
Sidney Sussex. After last year’s May Ball this can only stand for unexpectedly amazing sex. It’s a small college, not a famous ball, not much was expected, but the day after, all the newspapers can talk about, from The Times to The London Lite, is how amazing Sidney Sussex Ball was. It’s the May Ball equivalent of taking a geek home and finding underneath that North Face fleece hides a smokin’ body from all the lawn boules / ultimate Frisbee they play. It’s always the quiet ones.
Trinity. A threesome, with a twist. It’s with a father, his son, and a very important ghost. And they’re all omniscient. We reckon if the people you’re in bed with know everything about everything ever, you’re in for a great ride. For an easier version we suggest a standard threesome. Ok, we don’t actually suggest a threesome, it sounds extremely emotionally complicated and requiring so much coordination that actually enjoying it might come lower on the list than trying not to elbow partner number two in the face, but it will earn you massive lad/ ladette points for life.
Tit Hall. Tit fuck.
Wolfson. Doing it the Wolfson way is, I am reliably informed, just like doggy style, but a little rougher, a little hairier, and when you come you have to howl to the moon.
Illustrations by Tasha Sales.