ALI LEWIS turns up the dreadful euphemisms to find out who is having sex with who in Cambridge, and how often...
The results are in.
A week ago, The Tab set out to find out exactly what you, the students of Cambridge, get up to between the sheets. We were initially nervous – would the work-weary, stressed-out populace of Cambridge dignify our pathetic, dirty little survey with a response? But we needn’t have worried, for we had the twin gods of procrastination and anonymous exhibitionism on our side. That’s right, the exact same forces which result in bored girls flashing their tits on Chat Roulette meant that scores of you lot were willing to tell us what you were getting up to, how often you were getting up to it, and whether you’d be willing to swap a first-class essay for it (no, as it turns out).
The response has been tremendous. A whopping 446 of you lovely, horny people took time away from your busy, busy lives (which according to our survey are taken up almost entirely with either sex or lying) to tell us your deepest, darkest secrets. And all but a few of you managed to answer the questions nicely and not fuck things up for us. Thanks do however go to the surprising minority of men in Murray Edward’s college, to the Mathmos who told us that they have had sex before, and to the one individual who somehow managed to break the survey by simultaneously being homosexual and heterosexual despite there being a clear ‘bisexual’ option. You made my job of analysing reams and reams of sordid data that much more difficult by making me giggle while I was trying to masturbate.
Anyway, as I was saying, the results are in…
Cambridge In General
Our results show that Cambridge is 86.5% heterosexual, 7.0% homosexual, 7.4% bisexual, and 0.1% statistical error (you know who you are…).
An amazing 20% of you are getting it on the daily, whilst a further 41% of you never go a week without giving your mattresses a solid session of impact testing.
Spare a thought, however, for the full 12% of us who “never” have sex, and perhaps attempt to avoid that unusual 7% who only put the basilisk back into the Chamber of Secrets ‘annually’, in what one can only presume is some kind of birthday treat or pagan love festival.
Almost half of us claim never to have one-night stands, whilst on the other end of the scale an enthusiastic 3.3% have mono-nocturnal sessions of bipedalism “every week”. In between the poles of what one can only assume are the C.U. and Girton girls who can’t afford a taxi home, a solid 28% of us have one-night stands at least once-a-term and over half of us admit to at least one a year.
In what I reckon to be the most shocking set of statistics in the whole survey, an impressive (I mean, immoral) 46% of Cambridge students have had special mummy-daddy cuddles with 2 or more different partners in a week, almost a fifth of us have gone one better and had 3 or more partners, and an energetic 3 and a bit per cent sub-sextion of lotharios and lotharihoes claim to have had 5 or more partners.
Indeed, this insatiable appetite for ‘inserting the euphemism’ is apparently a greater desire than our yearning for good grades, with 76% of us preferring first class sex to a first class essay, begging the question of why the fuck we didn’t all just apply to Leeds or Essex and spend three years banging girls called Stacie who ‘don’t usually do this’.
Finally, on a more serious note, a worrying 29% of our respondents know a friend with a sexually-transmitted infection. A sobering thought for next time you are the deliverer or receiver of swollen goods.
College of Love
Owing to The Tab’s never-ending desire to facilitate romance and meaningful relationships in you, the best and brightest of your generation, we have helpfully compiled a college-based “Sluttiness Table” based on the universally-accepted measurement of man/slag points. This indispensable guide for future swaps, nights out and decisions of whether or not to use protection (do, always do) is the result of many nights of pain-staking statistical dedication and is based on points out of a possible 1000. The points are meted out according to the average answers to questions about how often people from each college have sex, how often they have one night stands and how many different people they have slept with in a single week, before being converted from the raw data into a standardised 1000 point scale. They are not separated out for men and women and took a bitch of a long time to do. So, without further ado….
The (Man) Slaggiest College Table
1) Fitzwilliam – 637 points
2) Corpus Christi – 561
3) Trinity – 543
4) Trinity Hall – 498
5) Downing – 476
6) Pembroke – 429
7) Emmanuel – 417
8) St Catharine’s College – 413
9) Peterhouse – 401
10) Newnham – 386
11) Magdalene – 381
12) Murray Edwards – 376
13) King’s – 376
14) Jesus – 359
15) Homerton – 336
16) Christ’s – 332
17) Selwyn – 329
18) Girton – 322
19) Queen’s – 320
20) Clare – 310
21) Robinson – 309
22) St John’s – 291
23) Churchill – 277
So, there you have it, Fitzwilliam is more than twice as slutty as Churchill, St John’s guys can’t get laid, Robinson girls are frigid and Murray Edward’s girls are liars.
Artists Versus Scientists
There’s really not much to report for the much-vaunted differences between artists and scientists. Both are (apparently) equally adept at the facedown fandango. There’s a slight difference in that 62% of artists do the penetration paso doble more than once a week, compared to only 52% of scientists, but both are equally likely, at about 30%, to have to endure the walk of shame (or, as I prefer to call it, ‘The Poonwalk’) back from their beau’s room following a one-night stand.
Disappointingly, the only real strong difference that emerges between the two groups is also the most predictable one: artists are about 1 and a half times more likely to be gay or bisexual than scientists, so next time you’re in Revs on a Tuesday remember to talk about Condorcet rather than CERN. Like I have to tell you anyway…
Gay and Bi Versus Straight
Undoubtedly I will get criticism for lumping together bisexuals with homosexuals for the purpose of this section, and I agree with this anticipated criticism, but still they do have a society together…and the stats make interesting reading. Hold on to your righteous criticism for just a moment and read on…
Of those identifying themselves as being heterosexual, 59% claimed that they had sex on average once or more a week. In comparison, only 48% of the homosexuals and bisexuals made the same claim. Those ‘heady’ Adonis Society dinners are all a rumour then, are they?
Well…no. The gay and bisexual respondents claimed to have more than twice as many one nights stands as their straight counterparts, with 27% of members of the LGBTQ community admitting to one night stands at least once a month compared to only 12% of heterosexual people. As well as this, 40% of the gay and bisexual men and women in our survey have had sex with 3 or more different partners in a single week compared to ‘only’ 15% of the heterosexual respondents.
To take a more serious side note again, our survey seems to provide at least some evidence for a severe problem with sexually-transmitted infections within the gay community, with 58% of gay and bisexual respondents reporting to know a person with an STI compared to only a quarter of the heterosexual respondents.
According to our slightly tongue-in-cheek survey, Cambridge is not the work-obsessed, sex starved misery pit it is sometimes portrayed to be. Whilst we slog away our golden years in the fruitless pursuit of collecting random letters after our name, we can at least take solace in the fact that people have retained the creativity to lie about their sex life.