Why are you dressed so scary?

It’s over, and about time. Cast back your mind to 2004. Remember what it was like? If not, this clip should remind you, and give me a good minute to think what to write next.

Yes. This year we shook off the clinging vestiges of early noughties meangirlism. Lindsay Lohan looks about fifty, I never wear pink on Wednesdays; I do’t even know if there’s a plastics table at Caius brunch any more. And Hallowe’en was not the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girl can say anything about it. (Though ‘I’m a mouse, duh’ is still as fresh as ever.)

This year we celebrate the return of blood. Lots of it. About two pints were spat all over me on the walk between Columbia Road and Hearn Street Warehouse, it got all over someone’s car and some passers-by… the results were messy. Here’s the one and only Lucy Fizz showing you girls how to do it: big dress, big wig, maybe a saucepan: and blood. Blood. Blood!

No sluttiness here. Keep it covered up: and drool to turn off unwelcome suitors.

Advice on essential menswear comes from Dalston’s Vogue Fabrics, an intensely unventilated basement on Kingsland Road where the walls ooze crack, sweat and poppers. In such places is fashion born. Primark should be your god (look down the blog, I’m excited). Throw on any old glittery trash, and conceal those dark circles under your eyes with even bigger ones. Panda eyes are the new male accessory, and very bad drag is the final frontier.

(Yes, it’s a man. She’s called Julian)

And that’s what Hallowe’en will be like in the two-thousand-and-teens. I wish it wasn’t all over for now. It feels a bit irrelevant writing this when we’ve got a whole year to wait, but there is one Hallowe’en fashion question still to be answered: What do you do with the leftover costumes you spent so long on? Here are some tips:

1. Lucy Fizz’s Vampire Bride dress (above) doubles as her Katie Perry wedding outfit.

2. The giant blood-stained mole-wrench I was carrying around all night came in handy when I had to rescue my friend from a lift.

3. Capes, gowns: the same thing on graduation day?

And if none of that’s any use to you, I suggest you make a bonfire. And burn them.