I went networking just to blag free stuff

It was absolutely Deloitte-ful

careers fair employability graduate jobs kpmg networking pwc thermos

I went to a careers meeting last week, and it was soul-destroying.

I quickly realised, like many, that my shoddy though expensive Arts degree will be shat upon in today’s highly competitive and highly flexible labour market.

My career prospects are hopeless; a life of part-time bar work, self-loathing, monotony and the eventual consideration that prostitution “wouldn’t be a bad idea” all await.

But one thing Bristol University has taught me is initiative. This week, I decided to get out and exploit this initiative by trying to hoard as much free employer merchandise and drinks as possible.

Monday

I sat through a talk at OC & C, with a smug look on my face, sipping an expenses-paid glass of vino and a trendy bag of freebies nestled between my legs.

“Here at OC&C we’re looking for non-conformists”, they said. Well, look at me – I’m being given garlands of freebies for the luxury of not getting a job with you. How non-conformist is that?

Inside the bag: a rubber duck, a memory stick (jackpot) and some generic booklets that looked quite nice.

The talk was relatively painless and the range of free booze and canapés were an absolute hit.

8/10 – would go again.

Tuesday

Let’s face it, we’re all screwed

Tuesday was an absolute shocker. After signing up to KPMG’s employer presentation at the Bristol Hotel, I found myself sat at a table completely out of my depth being asked questions about audit and why I chose KPMG. I mean, who is audit? I’ve never heard of him.

Two hours and three group activities later, “networking” commenced. I breathed a sigh of relief as I slowly made my way into the corner of the room, drowning my sorrows in cheap, shit red wine from a goddamn box trying my hardest not to make eye contact with anyone.

4/10 – no free bag. And I really like bags.

Wednesday

After the KPMG disaster I needed a pick me up.  A free coffee provided by PWC definitely did the trick and I was back networking in no time. A quick natter with a girl working in “assurance” resulted in lots of awkward silences and a free Thermos flask (again, jackpot).

I tried to crack a joke, because love and happiness cannot be bought. I said to the woman who worked in “assurance”: “Hey, can you assure me that this would be worthwhile?” She didn’t get it.

I left sad and disappointed but still, I had a Thermos to keep me warm and hold back the fact that my joke flopped like Cameron’s member after a good porking.

6/10 – I got a Thermos for the love of the lack of God. I also got a coffee which tasted like the London Underground but hey, it’s free.

Thursday and Friday

At the start of the week, I believed that by the end, I would be revelling in the light and glory of my non-conformist attitude towards networking. How wrong I was. I felt exhausted and slightly pointless. The first few days made me feel I was the Robin Hood of “the 21st century system, man”, but Thursday and Friday were shit.

Did someone say brochures?

I got brochures. Yes, brochures. These massive multinational companies are trying to lure us out of the comfort of student life, and into the ugly mechanics of corporate prostitution, and they do so by giving us bloody brochures. They should be ashamed of themselves.

The talks were shorter than the others and they were quite interesting, but they resembled a more boring version of Ian Duncan Smith. Yes, they could talk Ian Duncan Smith to sleep.

3/10 – the brochures were shiny so they get extra marks.

Summary of my findings

I’ll be honest, it was an illuminating week. By immersing myself in the world of the private sector, I realised:

  1. I’m so inalieanbly screwed.
  2. I would be delighted to sell myself to any big company that wants me – even you, KPMG. Take me now, I’m all yours.
  3. I learnt a lot about myself. Being from Coventry, I was destined to be a thieving, pointless layabout and I should be proud of who I am.