What it’s like living inside Bristol’s flithiest, dodgiest house

When you move into your first house after halls it ought to be a stress free experience.

You and a group of relative strangers will find that dream house in Redlands. You, your mum and a car full of unopened text books will cruise into the drive, key in hand, and you’ll be hanging up Pink Floyd posters and flipping over sofa cushions to hide beer stains before you know it.

What you think living in Bristol will be like

But, there is an ever so slight chance, that come July, you will find yourself sitting in a ceilingless hovel watching a half-drunk, half-naked, chain-smoking Polish man wander aimlessly through the rubble of your new home, dejectedly waving a paint brush at the hole where your ceiling used to be.

We fell into this second, post-apocalyptic category. In fact, you might say that we’re renting the worst house in Bristol. This is our experience. I can only hope you learn from it and don’t make the same mistakes we did.

Deposits

Do not drop off your deposits in cash to a Caribbean restaurant, the landlord looking like a mafia don in a silk scarf, eating a plate of jerk chicken and thumbing through the pile of notes in front of him.

Do not then accept a receipt written on the back of a napkin and think that this all fine because you’ve been given a free shot of rum which was brewed in a bath. This is what we did, and I’m not sure it was a great idea.

It is a legal requirement for the landlord to put the deposits into a secure bond, not just pocket it leaving you to hope it will be returned at the end of the year.

You’ll want a secure deposit when this is where you’re living

When you do inevitably break the sink, they have to go through the company keeping the deposit to get the money to fix whatever’s been damaged. If they refuse to do this then it is completely in your right take legal action and are entitled to up the three times the deposit back. Law students eat your heart out.

Arrival

After wading through a waist high pile of rubbish, climbing blindly up two pitch black stories of broken-lighted stairs, we were greeted by filth, no oven, no fridge, a single moldy shower and graffitied walls.

This is the kind of flat that makes you consider becoming a crackhead just to fit in with your general surroundings. My housemate said “there are squats nicer than this”.

The ‘living’ room

The landlord to his credit was actually pretty good about this, new kitchen stuff appeared within days and we were introduced to the infamous Polish decorator who became a bit of a fixture, blaring Beyonce at full volume from 10am to 10pm daily.

Your standard holes in the wall

But it is the landlord’s responsibility to ensure the house is in an alright state when you arrive and clean up any mess the previous tenants left behind. If they don’t, they’re a just bit of a dick.

Rent Reduction

This is a bit of a drastic move, probably not an advisable step to take just because there’s a bit of a scuff on the floor and a strange smell no amount of Febreeze seems to get rid of. But after two Beyonce filled weeks of living in a building site, the ceiling fell in – and we decided that it was all getting ridiculous.

With compensation there’s nothing legally you can really do, it’s just hoping that the landlord has a touch of humanity and can take a moment to stop and empathise a little bit.

The spotless shower

If you do think you need to get compensation the best way is to break it down day by day, we decided that our house was only 50 per cent made for humans so asked for half of what we were paying during all the building works to be given back. But good luck with that one.

It’s not ok for people to walk into your house all the time

It’s probably not relevant to anyone with an ounce of common sense – but it’s not okay for the landlord to give out keys to some of his other properties. After a stern bollocking, he called in his “A-Team” (the bouncer from downstairs) and gave us the keys to the flat below which no one happened to be living in at the time to go and chill in for a few days.

We were happy to get away from here

Landlords need to give 7 days warning before entering their rented properties and shouldn’t just be carrying around keys so they can come, go, or distribute said keys, whenever they feel like it.

Our deposits are now safe and sound, and we have managed to get some rent back. The landlord and I are no longer on speaking terms after I threatened to take him to court and the Polish decorator, and the Beyonce shaped void he left behind, is very much missed.