Drunk or high: What’s the best night out?

Let’s settle this once and for all

| UPDATED

If you want to have a good time on a night out, you’ve got three options: drink your body weight in alcohol, chew your bottom lip off while you gurn like mad, or do both and probably wake up in a bush. (Yes, there are probably other ways to have a good time, and some people out there don’t drink or take drugs, but those people are the kind of bores that actually want to finish uni with a first, and you wouldn’t be reading this article if that was you).

The question is: which of those options is the best night out?

Guess which of them are bringing mandy along for the night?

Pre-drinks

(Nobody should be drunk or high yet. If you are, you’ve already lost your chance of having a great night.)

If you’re drinking…

The main aim is to ace Never Have I Ever and maintain a quick yet steady drinking speed throughout. Be sure to avoid being lured into the chat about what time to get a taxi and when to book, or you’ll be left having to organise everyone at the last minute. True drinkers hang out in the kitchen with their 8 pack or vodka mixer. No liquid should be left by the time the taxi arrives.

Taxi in five

If you’re dropping…

You’re either in the backroom or someone’s bedroom, surrounded by fellow dizz-heads collectively trying to cut the gear into equal quarters. It’s tough work, but at least from this point onwards your night won’t be any more stressful. Socialising at pres isn’t your main objective but successfully sealing each eighth into blue rizla is. However, you’ll make one trip into the kitchen just to remind everyone you’re there so they don’t forget to count you in the taxi run.

Handshake for an early pull

Queue at the club

If you’re drinking…

On your way to the club, the lightweights in your group started to get a bit out of hand while you were stuck in the front of the taxi making idle chit chat about when your driver finishes his shift (it’s always 6am) and what he thinks of deep house. Once you’re at the club, it’s time to neck those smuggled tinnies in the queue without getting spotted by the bouncers and warm up your skills of seduction by practising on the strangers standing right next to you. As you’re all still relatively sober, conversation won’t get much further than repeated complaints about how cold it is.

This won’t be worth the wait

If you’re dropping…

Unless you’ve massively screwed up your timings you won’t be coming up just yet so chances are you’re still swilling cans like everyone else in the queue. The only difference? You’ll be washing down your first bit of mandy after subtly moving it from your pocket into your mouth. You’ll also be slightly more on edge with the bouncers than the drinkers as being caught with Class A drugs could land you in some serious trouble. Remember what your parents always said: don’t do drugs, stay in school.

Anyone coming up yet? (Picture: Jordan Barclay)

The dancefloor

If you’re drinking…

If you’re splashing nine grand a year on a BA in Dance, now’s the time to show people why. For the rest of us who still think our sweet, majestic shapes would get an A* in GCSE Performing Arts, anything is classed as dance. The only exception? Refrain from shuffling unless you’re ACTUALLY good at it.

When in doubt, throw peace signs

If you’re dropping…

Pupils dilated? Feeling a buzz? It’s time to make your way towards the DJ until you’re stood 3cm in front of the right-hand speaker. Your dance moves aren’t that versatile so you settle for vertically roll-humping the air in an attempt to look like you know what you’re doing. With sweat starting to pour down your face and your shirt turning into a wet towel, any chance you still look as good as you did at pres has left, along with your dignity. If jitterbugging isn’t your forte, energy which would have been used for that will redirected up to your jaw for the legendary gurn. If you don’t feel it now, you will in the morning.

The bar

If you’re drinking…

You choice of beverage changes throughout the night, from vodka and cokes to Jagerbombs, eventually ending with up-market whiskey and champers if you’re from a private school. It’s so inconsistent, that’s it’s like watching the England women’s football team. The less financially privileged should remember buying three Jagerbombs for £8 won’t seem like a good idea when you’re 50p short of a meal deal the next day.

If you’re dropping…

You are now so hot you understand why women were given a heat break at Wimbledon. You’re on a mission to find refreshment, so the water station is probably where you’ll spend over half of the rest of your night. You’ll even notice a familiar group of people pouring themselves free water as they’re in exactly the same position as you. If you’re feeling lucky, you’ll venture towards the bar and buy a “proper” drink but it’s unlikely you’ll push the boat out for anything more than a can of Red Stripe.

Please can you refill my water bottle?

Trying to pull

If you’re drinking…

At this point of the night, mating season is every season and you’ll do pretty much anything to secure a bang. Remember your manners though, and remember to check before you start if you’re actually in a fit enough state to pull. If the answer is no, find your friends or go home.

Fish (Picture: Jordan Barclay)

If you’re dropping…

You shouldn’t be trying to pull.

The smoking area

If you’re drinking…

You’ll find yourself chatting to complete strangers out there but if you ever find yourself pouring you heart out about your most recent fling, it’s time for bed. For the smokers among you, this is the place to be. Just be prepared for social smokers to try and steal all your ciggies.

If you’re dropping…

You’re either here to pinch a fag and try to increase your feeling of euphoria, or because you want to tell all your friends how much you love them. You’ll also bump into that one oddball who hasn’t come up yet and keeps asking everyone ”When was it since you dropped cos I’m not feeling it yet’. By contrast, if you’ve already been hit hard, bear in mind you’re probably not making any sense. Take five, calm down and have a line of ketamine.

The walk home

If you’re drinking…

This is arguably the best part of the night: the time where you can shove filthy kebabs and chips down your gullet without the pressure to do it with manners. You’ll find food tastes 10 times better, though that could be the alcohol talking. As for the actual walking, it’s great fun as long as you’re with people.

What do you want on your chips?

If you’re dropping…

This is arguably the worst part of the night. The tedious comedown you’re about to experience is like having sex with your flatmate in Freshers and then spending the whole year with him/her in the room next door. You can’t eat, you can’t drink and if you’re on the pull at this point, just forget about it. The night has had its ups and downs and now you’re left wondering desperately if it was all worth it. Of course it was. Just take some Valium and stop being a pussy.

BFFs for lyfe xo