How to take uni home with you this summer

We know you miss it


Exams are over, you’ve packed up your room and headed back to whatever insignificant part of the country you call home. 

Once you’ve got over the thrill of seeing your overly-loving parents, annoying siblings and boring childhood friends, a sad thought strikes you – you really, really wish you were back at uni.

Thankfully for you, we’ve come up with an essential guide to help you maintain a spiritual link with the best place on Earth this summer, no matter where you end up.

Artificially insert red-eye into all your holiday photos

Pinging by the pool

It’s a well-known fact a lot of people go to uni and take drugs and nothing screams “ping king” more than a pair of big red eyes, preferably between a gurning mouth and sweaty forehead. So, keep that uni look going and put the “E” into “summer” by photoshopping all your holiday snaps to fool yourself into thinking you were at some wicked house night rather than the hotel pool with your mum.

Stick on an episode of MiC and pretend you’re in the ‘posh halls’

Don’t be ashamed to admit you miss the double-barrelled surnames and classist banter that emanates from the upper echelons of your uni. If you can’t wait a few months for more mindless babble from the Hugos of your campus, look no further than Channel 4’s premier twattery showcase.

Re-live a trip to the library by playing musical chairs

Standing room only

During exams there were less spaces in the library than there are braincells at a poly and you can now recreate the Kafkaesque nightmare of trying to find a place to study in a place designed for studying at home. Experience all over again the desperate fight for a seat by playing musical chairs: the only difference to the library is that Top 40 hits replace the sound of rustling papers and muffled coughs.

Turn every meal into a cheeky end-of-night takeaway

The man your mum should aspire to be

Nothing says “top night out” more than a steaming stick of non-specific meat from the indomitable kebab van, and now you can replicate this culinary masterpiece at home. First, throw out all the fresh produce in your fridge and replace it with meat, chips and cheese – the kebab holy trinity. Next, tell mum your meals can only be served after midnight and before sunrise, and enlist your siblings to take soft drink orders. Once your whole family is indoctrinated/intimidated into following this regime, you’ll feel like you’re right back at uni.

Write an essay and mark it unsatisfactorily

What does it all mean?!

If your professors not giving a shit about giving you decent feedback is something you can’t get enough of, bring their “fuck you, I care more about research” attitude back with you this summer by writing an essay and then forgetting it exists. Return to it after one or two months, armed with a coloured pen of your choice, and tick at random intervals. Then write a random number between 50 and 70 at the top and you’re done. Remember, don’t accidentally put any constructive criticism in the margins unless you’re from Oxbridge.

Create a ‘cheese’ club in your lounge

Even when you’re sipping cocktails on a sunny beach, we bet your mind will keep straying back to fond memories of chugging cheap VKs and Fosters in the sweaty dark corner of your town’s cheesiest nightclub. Get a blind person with bad taste to redecorate the smallest room in your house, piss on the carpets, and then invite all your local homeless people and nymphomaniacs for a party. Once you’ve all got drunk and taken your tops off, you’re bound to have recreated the classy “je ne sais quoi” ambience of a gritty student dive.