I’m cooler than you because I do drugs

There I said it. The fact that I indulge in drug taking makes me infinitely cooler than all those who purposefully don’t. The people doing cocaine in the ASS library understand that.

But you, you’re not on it are you? You’re too busy drinking shit white wine or tinnies to realise there are much better ways to get fucked up available out there.

Why are you still drinking beer? You’re at Bristol ffs

After all, you’re all too ignorant and too scared to meddle in a bit of narcotic magic. You just don’t get it do you?

Drug takers are awesome because drugs are awesome. Plain and simple.

Why are these illegal substances so cool? There are three reasons. First: they’re illegal. Second: they send you to whole new worlds of euphoria. Third: a combination of those first two reasons makes drugs a risk to take.

The man is a risk taker

These three reasons scare you. This triumvirate of pleasure was made for adventurous people who live on the edge, and you can’t hack it. Your parents and the government told you not to do them and instead of at least trying to break the mould, you blindly submitted to their orders.

Congratulations, your avoidance of the wavey scene has put you in the same stale shoebox as your uni lecturers and ailing grandparents. Why live life to the full when that might involve putting a toe out of line and stepping out of your own shrivelled safety bubble? Sip your government-approved, parent-condoned beer like the society drone you are.

If this isn’t in your life then your life isn’t worth living

We lucky few who have broken through to the other side can see things differently. The world is brighter through the eyes of a druggie. Besides, we’re all just sacks of dust and eros slowly trudging our way to death anyway, why make it a boring walk? Why not make the walk very very spangly instead?

You could be this cool one day

The media, celebrities and your friends are all doing it but you’re too scared to try a taste of the good life. You can drown your sober sorrows in all the Sainsbury’s Basics vodka you want, you’ll always be a loser compared to a druggie.

Unless, of course, you change your ways. Why not start tonight?