Survival Guide for the penniless and homeless

Cos you know the uni won’t look after you…

| UPDATED

Ever been so broke you’ve thought about hunting a seagull? Or scamming money off a local ned? 

No? Then you can hardly call yourself a student.

Food

1. Mr Pretzel in Bon Accord

Outside this glorious haven of stomach alluring scents, you will find an angel that has fallen from heaven itself (which may technically make him Satan, but we’ll skip the theology lesson for today).

This man (or woman, depending on which form Satan chooses to take that day) will provide you with sustenance of the most delicious kind – bite sized bits of cinnamon pretzel. This man WANTS to give you food. Let him fulfil his purpose in life and let your stomach and empty pockets be happy.

There are other places to acquire free samples in Aberdeen, but if you want to live purely off this food source you won’t have the energy to get to these places.

2. Dine and dash

A simple solution to your problems, of course there are a few things you may want to remember if you choose this option.

Firstly, don’t go anywhere which has fit looking staff.

Secondly, bring your running gear (this option also negates any need to go to the gym, saving you more money in the long run.

Lastly, do not go to all you can eats there’s no way you could walk out of Cosmo after a meal let alone run.

3. Seagulls

This option does require some investment on your part but they are the most abundant food source in Aberdeen, and the locals will thank you for eating the pesky creatures (you may even be offered shelter for the night from very thankful folk).

For those vegetarians amongst you here is how you hunt a seagull. Purchase chips and rohypnol. Add rohypnol to chips, place on pavement and wait. The rest is easy. 

Bastards.

Location, Location, Location

1. Macrobert building 

Learn there, live there. Never miss a class.

MacRobert is the perfect retreat to sleep, study and indulge in vending machine goodness.

 2. Library

You can sneak into the restricted books section in the night and be that cool guy on campus with all the facts.

If that doesn’t appeal you could always grab two friends and a blanket and spend your nights re-enacting Harry Potter films.

Come here, sleep anywhere.

3. Donald’s Garden 

If you’re after something closer to nature while still in the lap of luxury, get yourself a tent and pitch up on Trumps beautiful golf course.

If he tries to kick you off you can claim you’re protesting against how much of a money hoarding non-gent he is and maybe you’ll get on TV. Nothing is wrong with this one.

4. That Person You Met Last Night’s Bed (regardless of gender).

This is a move that both of you can benefit from, as your bed sharer will be provided with bodily warmth from you – no more outrageous heating bills… and that bit of love everyone needs.

Surely there’s room for two under those sheets.

5. Tiger Tiger 

Now that it’s shut down it’s the perfect venue in which to live the dream of resting your head upon the floor that so many questionable personalities attempted to strut across in a valiant war against its stickiness.

Added bonus – any loose change found stuck to the floors can be pried off and ‘invested’ in the casino across the road.

Down in the depths of Tiger’s bowels there is still a place for students to fornicate in the dark.

 6. Seaton Park

This may sound dangerous but will ensure you always leave in time for lectures. There is also the possibility of becoming a masked vigilante of the night, saving drunks from muggings or worse.

After you’ve built up a reputation people will start paying you to stay over at their house to protect them whilst they sleep.

In the light of day Seaton park really doesn’t look too bad.

7. The Police station

Go old school and commit a mild act of disturbance – free bed for the night. Repeated crimes and you could even end up in prison – remember people, the worse the crime, the longer the time. (Caution – though shelter gained, freedom lost).

Money.

1. Busking.

If guitar wifey can do it, you bloody well can too, mate.

Busking is a sure-fire way to earn the cashmoniez.

2. Being the underdog in a feel good movie that involves some kind of competition 

Rise like the phoenix and become the professional poker player you never thought you would be.

3. Life modelling 

Get naked for money, in the name of art. The cultured stripper – comfortable with your body? Get on this.

Joining a life class could both be fun AND tasteful.

4. Mug a ned

This may take some training, but if you live in Seaton Park is probably the best option. Take the time to review Derren Brown and just take the money off them. 

Neds of Aberdeen have loads of great stuff that you could steal.