You can now buy a new hymen online because that’s how low we’ve sunk as human beings

WHY


What was losing your virginity like? The world of after school specials and girls mags probably told you it was gonna be at best magical and romantic and at least fun, but for the majority of us (myself included) it’s not. It’s more awkward and underwhelming and often painful – at least if having sex for the first time involves breaking your hymen.

But if for some reason you’d like to recreate that seminal experience – and I mean, hey, it’s the internet, so why not – you can literally buy a new hymen online. For just 30 of your American dollars, the good people of HymenShop.com promise to “restore your virginity in five minutes with this new technologically advanced product”.

The sie worked with their sister site “TightVaginaShop.com” and after “many months of research and experimants” (nope, that’s how they spell it), they finally developed a product which uses red dye liquid and a translucent membrane to produce an “artificial virginity kit” which promises to “spice up your sex life and bring the Va Va Voom back to the bedroom”.

Women who for some reason equate sexual “va va voom” with an unbroken hymen can remove the product from it’s aluminium package and completely unfold it, before using your finger to insert it 15-20 minutes before intercourse. It expands and makes the vagina feel “tight” before literally flooding the place with fake blood after being penetrated. Great! Sexy!

The fake hymen is also currently displayed in New York’s Museum of Sex, presumably because it’s an artifact of our continuously myopic and misguided attitude to virginity, which, let’s just remember before you blow $30 on a fake hymen, has nothing to do with breaking your hymen, and also just does not fucking exist.

Glad we’ve cleared that up.