Everything you’ll understand if you grew up in Sutton Coldfield

No, not Sutton in London


“The Royal Borough of Sutton Coldfield” is the formal title that the older generations insist on calling it just to reaffirm their case that Sutton is the “posh” area of Birmingham – you won’t find any Benefits Street here mate.

The primary school rivalry is intense

The main primary schools around Sutton are Maney Hill, Town Junior and Boldmere Junior – in order of increasing brain cells and credibility. Boldmere was for the junior elite, where young dreamers would attend hours of I.T lessons in rooms named Shackleton and Scott (because why not?), fake P.E lessons where the climbing apparatus was “too dangerous for use” and so you had to learn how to do a gambol (that’s a rolly polly for you northerners and a forward roll for the southerners).

Morning assembly could only include being bored to sleep when singing All Things Bright And Beautiful for the three-thousandth time – maybe occasionally mixing it up with He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands for a sick encore.

All this changes as soon as you step up to year 7 and have to mingle with the likes of Town Junior and god forbid the Maney Hill folk. No more sitting in the giant sunflower construction in Boldmere – you’re not in the playground anymore Toto.

And then it got even worse for secondary school

School rivalry didn’t end after primary school – it got worse, much worse. The John Wilmott students battled it out with each other for the most STIs possible; Sutton Girls was naturally the “whore house on the hill”; Plantsbrook was for the future Nottingham Trent alumni and Bishop Vesey was for the real workers. That is of course if you could actually get to school without being run over by a rogue pushchair from the mob of hormonal and sleep-deprived parents coming out of Holland House nursery.

Of course, the most natural talent to anyone growing up in Sutton was to know which school someone went to purely from the look of their uniform: a Slutton Girls chick would be wearing an ugly brown uniform with a belt for a skirt; the Vesey boys had blazers that Dwayne Johnson would be swamped in and then the Plantsbrook youths would obviously be wearing whatever the fuck they wanted because the only reason people stayed on for the sixth form was that of not having a uniform or a dress code. Although, if you wore a tracksuit you would be sent home because it didn’t give off the right message – but of course a crop top and short skirt gave off exactly the correct message for a prosperous future obviously.

Snow days

On the three days a year that it snowed in England, the only thing any school student wanted was for a snow day just for the chance to go sledging and hosting a winter Olympics in Sutton Park since it was the only time the ground wasn’t covered in cow shit and empty Stella cans from a post-Yates’ stroll home (probably not alone). Yet if you went to Plantsbrook then it was pretty unnecessary to tune into BRMB at 7.30am because school was most definitely still open – Ms Campbell would even treat you to a lukewarm hot chocolate from the canteen if you came in. Was that not reason enough?

Foulcon Lodge is the Bronx of Birmingham

Every region has to have a letdown area – just like every tv series has a letdown character and every sports team has a letdown player; it’s only natural. Falcon Lodge is the Bronx of Birmingham, just the name will send shivers down your spine and coat your skin in goosebumps from the sheer knowledge that such a place named Falcon Lodge exists – especially so close to the safe haven of Sutton. Fair warning, you put your life in your own hands upon entrance.

Anyone fancy a curry?

If your parents ever told you they would be taking everyone out for tea that evening then the odds were that it would have to be La Reserve on the lakeside for a swanky meal, or a curry for something simpler and less fancy pants. Upon deciding it would be a curry night, the tougher question arose as to which curry house was that night’s chosen one since Boldmere high street has more curry houses than India itself.

Empire is a state

The only cinema in Sutton was the infamous Odeon – famous for how many people lost their virginity on the back row most likely. Although, all hell broke loose when the Odeon changed to Empire just to make people think it was a cool new cinema – oh no, it’s still the same old scruffy pile of bricks that looks as though it will crumble instantly if the volume is slightly too loud.

Sutton parklife

You didn’t grow up in Sutton if you didn’t frequent Sutton Park on weekends, after school and during the holidays for any glimpse of the sun. Long walks in the forestry, shitty picnics with squished cheese sandwiches and praying there would be a snot-riddled-child free swing in the play area at Town Gate were all that summer consisted of – until you went paddling in Boldmere Lake and had to hope and pray that your parents had you fully vaccinated recently.

Hanging out in the town centre

The current Sutton town centre is nothing in comparison to what it used to be with the abundance of shops that invite the likes of Kingstanding rather than Four Oaks. Gone are the days of the big Woolworths, Waitrose, The Ha Ha Bar, Accessorize and little Ted’s Baked Potato van – Ted got too big for his spuds and opened up an actual cafe now…but the magic is not lost by any means.