What your Greggs order says about you

Greggs. A national treasure synonymous with the British high street. Some guy even ate at every Greggs in Leeds, it’s fair to say we love Greggs.

But Greggs is not just a sausage roll. It’s become much bigger than that. Rumour has it you’re never more than six feet away from one in a town centre, there’s even more shops in the UK than McDonalds. But what does your choice of savoury say about you? In a UK with political and turmoil and England out the Euro’s I perceive this issue of paramount importance.

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I worked on the frontline in Greggs for over two years, braving sweltering oven heat to deliver pastry to paper bag, paper bag to hungry customer. So I’m perfectly qualified to say what your pasty choice says about you.

One sausage roll

Yawn. There’s no sex ’n’ drugs about it, it’s the Wonderwall of the pasty world. Ordering one sausage roll is the inevitability of life and as predictable England’s early exit from the Euro’s. There’s a reason it has a central prime time position on the Greggs counter as everyone orders one!

I get that you’re probably hungover, and you’ve done ever so well to make it all the way to Greggs to purchase a golden pasty with can of diet coke. It’s just you’ve made an unadventurous choice. If you were an emoji you’d be repeated sleeping face.

Four sausage rolls

However, if you buy the multi-pack of sausage rolls for lunch, that’s a different story. You’re a fearless individual who’s willing to risk copious amounts of flakey pastry to have a satisfying lunch. You’re the kind of person I want to see as next prime minister. If you see Boris or Gove in Greggs soon on some extensive PR campaign then you heard it here first…

Sausage, bean and cheese melt

You’re more edgy than a dodecahedron, being open to new things and that. Personally, I wince a little at the thought of baked beans in touching distance of flakey pastry, and comprehend it as a difficult beany minefield to navigate and eat… especially as you probably have a beard.

You’re a person of the times, you probably wash that sausagey snack down with a pint of Brewdog in your uber on the way to some hip location in the east end somewhere. You probably even take control of the aux lead play Sigur Rós because they “understand you” despite singing in a made up language, when deep down you just want to play Drake and pine over feelings n’ shit.

Steak or chicken bake

If you look up the definition of “classic” in the dictionary I imagine it has a picture of steak or chicken  bake. You’re an individual of quality to which these bakes fulfil your expectations. You enjoy devouring the meaty chunks, I wouldn’t want to have beef with you…

You’re quintessentially British, you bloody love a good cuppa tea, going on long country walks and you’re defo best mates with Queen Liz.

Cheese and bacon wrap

The most expensive of the pasty selection, but you don’t mind though as you have a mummy and daddy with a chalet in Monaco. You probably didn’t even bat an eye lid at when the pasty tax came in as you have an offshore account in Panama.

If you can afford the dizzy heights of £1.65 for this pasty it’s worth it for the state of cheesy bacon euphoria reached with every bite.

Veg pasty

Ahh you enjoy the cold food selection I see. Given the infrequency of sales, the Veg Pasty is sometimes a little chilly. You are the unfortunate vegetarian who’s been dragged along to Greggs. Now here you sit (or stand) in either of two camps:

Camp A – those who complain about the lack of warmth. To which the friendly staff respond with “it’s freshly baked”. You the customer is having none of this marketing mumbo jumbo, so Greggs probably will give you another pasty.

Camp B – you’re far too British to complain about something so trivial. You’ll make a comment to your friend instead…

Cheese and onion pasty

Hairnets off to you, you’re a brave soldier. If you can endure searing cheese fresh from the oven, I admire your tongue of steel. You’re probably Anthony Joshua or The Rock or someone.

The ‘Spicy One’

You must be a regular Greggs visitor as this is a rather rare treat. This fiendish friend only appears Halloween time but is a spookily good pasty.

The pasty perfectly combines spicy fajita sauce with chicken and pepperoni which culminates in a spicy sense of elation. You know what you’re doing at Greggs, you probably have one of the Greggs gift cards and the Greggs documentary on boxset. Not all heroes wear capes, others buy The Spicy One…

Pizza slice

Mate, you’re aware this is Greggs right and not bloody Domino’s right? You’ve complete disregard for being in a pasty paradise, you’re the person who brings an acoustic guitar to a music festival.

Cornish Beef and vegetable pasty

Yes, you can buy these at Greggs. And yes, it’s actually a Cornish Pasty but for legal reasons it’s adopted a this name.

To those I served this crimped, heavily seasoned savoury you seem like a loyal bunch. You repeatedly by this pasty and your dedication is admirable.

The Festive Bake

So Christmas it hurts. You’re probably wearing a tinsel scarf and sleigh bells jingle as you skip ever so merrily up to the counter.

Meat and potato pasty

Ee bah gum. I see you’re popping t’Greggs before having tea (dinner). If you’re eating the meat and potato you’re probably northern.

Iced ring donut

You’re empty inside.

Bread

Do people still buy bread at a bakery in 2016? “Bun that”. Consequently, you’re either elderly or Co-op has run out of burger buns for your BBQ.

Yum Yums

You’re susceptible to advertising and have been enticed by the claims made by this twisted glazed pastry.

A gingerbread man

This one’s a bit different, as ultimately who you are depends on how you eat the smartie buttoned biscuit. Much academic ink has been spilled on two schools of thought:

a) Those who eat the leg first –  WHO ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU LETTING A POOR LITTLE INNOCENT BISCUIT SUFFER? Put him out of his misery and chomp off his head first.

b) Who cares – mate, it’s a bloody gingerbread man.

Personally I’m an A. I know England’s in political turmoil, but that’s no excuse not to act humanely…

Croissant

If purchased before 11am this is a respectable breakfast choice, but after 11am? Sacrebleu, I’ve seen it all…

Any dessert with cream on it

You’re either a very clean eater or you’ve taken an abhorrent number of napkins.

A ‘Greggsnut’

STOP EVERYTHING (except reading this article). It’s part CROISSANT AND DONUT. Just let that sink in for a moment. It’s kind of like that Hovis best of both loaf, featuring the sugary goodness from a croissant and donut. What a time to be alive.

Anyway, you’re an indecisive individual who can’t decide which sweat treat to go for. And hey, why have one if you can have both?! huh.

Just a coffee

Pfft, you’re a liar. Nobody walks up to the hallowed counter staring the pasties and pastries in the eye and doesn’t purchase. It defies nature. It’s like you trying to put your whole fist in your mouth (don’t try it).

Plus it’s better value to buy a sausage roll with it. But then we’re back back to square one, sigh.

Pictures courtesy of Greggs Talk UK/EU.

@TylerHilborne