The definitive list of all the most annoying people in the world

The world is full of bad people: racists, murderers, tyrannical despots. We all know how awful they are.

But what about the people who are just a little bit bad? You know the ones – they wouldn’t be first on your kill list, but that doesn’t stop them ruining your day with all the niggling little things they do.

In honour of those who are too often let off lightly, we thought we’d break it down for you. Here’s the definitive list of all the most annoying people in your life right now.

People who vape

The only benefit of vaping is that the constant smog around you is like a beacon alerting everyone else to the fact that you’re a dickhead.

Waiters who interrupt you mid sentence and ask ‘Is your food OK?’

It might be, but I wouldn’t know because you won’t let the fork actually reach my mouth. Now I’m going to have to tell TripAdvisor your restaurant gave me salmonella just to spite you and your over-eager service.

People who make it awkward when you go for the second kiss on the cheek

No-one knows the correct way to greet anyone, so it really doesn’t help when I pre-emptively linger for a second kiss and you put your hands up and melodramatically say “Oh no! You were going for the second kiss! Oh go on then!”

You know what? I don’t want to any more.

People who say ‘You’ve had a haircut’

They’re not asking and they’re definitely not passing on a compliment. This is just an empty statement of fact. Yes, I have had a haircut.

People who do group photos on the dancefloor

Do it somewhere else. Do it literally anywhere else. Just don’t all line up in formation, bent knees and pouts ready, while I’m trying to get my groove on in an already crowded and confined space.

People who moan about tourists

Tourism brings in £100bn for the UK economy every year but, you know, isn’t it so annoying that they stand on the left on escalators!

Pre-drink DJs

Why do we have to have your hour-and-a-half tropical house mix when everyone else just wants Fifth Harmony?

People who include you in WhatsApp groups that are nothing to do with you

I’m too polite to leave so I’m stuck with these fucking notifications. Please leave me be.

People who ask ‘Who’s going?’

I’m going. Is that not enough for you? I have invited you. I’m not telling you the rest of the guestlist.

People who cross the road when they shouldn’t, get beeped at, then turn around hold their arms and shout ‘What?! What?!’

You know what. YOU KNOW WHAT.

People who say ‘Can I have a bit of that?’ when it’s already in their mouth

If I say no, are you going to spit it back out?

Men who work hard but play harder

It will take Finn as long as Tuesday to ask you what you’re up to this weekend. What are you doing Finn? Oh yes, he’s having a biggie. Oh it’s going to be a biggie. “Just the two birthdays on Friday night, then a few with the old uni lot on Saturday”.

You know what mate, you deserve it, it must be hard work talking about how fun you are at every waking moment.

People who add you to ‘humorous’ Facebook groups

I’m going to be honest, I don’t really get Greggs Talk UK/EU, but I’m too scared to leave because I’ll look like I’m missing something.

People you’ve met several times before, but claim not to remember you

Sam, you were sat opposite from me at that dinner party last month, we went out for a cigarette together just me and you, you sat next to me in a cab home, you’ve been to my house, drank my water, used my loo. The least you could do is kiss me on each cheek and ask me how I am.

People who hate cyclists

Yes, it’s annoying when they cut you up. Yes, not all of them wear helmets. But it’s like complaining about wasps, hay fever or the melting of the polar ice caps – they don’t really affect your everyday life, so quit whining.

Social smokers

“Can I nick a fag mate? I’m gonna buy some later.” We both know you’re not.

People who have a confusing job title

If you can’t explain your job in less than ten words, it’s not a proper job.

People on trains who ask everyone to move down the carriage

Thanks, buddy, now you’ve made every single person packed on this train want to die from sheer awkwardness.

Your colleague who always wears headphones

For fuck’s sake Oli I have said your name a million times – stop making me wave awkwardly like I’m back in Year 3.

People who don’t thank you when you acknowledge they were in front of you at the bar

I’ve literally just agreed to wait for five extra minutes, and the only reason I did it was for the smug satisfaction I’d get when you thanked me. You have deprived me of that.

People who are overtly opposed to dogs

“Oooh get it away from me! It’s gonna bite me! Why do you let it near the table? Oh my god I bet you let it lick your face”

These people aren’t even cat people, they’re attention seekers who want to find a problem with your life. They’ll tell you your bed is on the wrong wall, they’ll recommend you every alternative in your life and tell you that your way is the wrong way.

 

Girls who hate other girls

“I’m just a guy’s girl. Like, I don’t really do the whole bitchy girly thing. I’ve just always got on better with guys. I just hate drama.”

You’re thinking of someone now, aren’t you. Guys and girls AREN’T THAT FUCKING DIFFERENT, and you’re making it look like girls want to sit inside, painting their nails and talking about boys while the men are outside around the BBQ. With Katie, the “guy’s girl”. Obviously.

Girls who hate boys

There comes a time when you’ve got to stop blaming every boy you’ve ever slept with for being a dick, and just accept that you’re either oversensitive or a pushover.

People who flake, and know they’re going to flake, but still leave it until the last minute to tell you they’re flaking

Go flake out of my life.

People who talk about work. All. The. Time.

Funnily enough, I don’t give a fuck what Susan from IT told Paul from HR. Fine, if it directly affects you and I am taking the time to have a conversation, I can probably stand here and pretend to care for long enough to see out the conversation. But it is literally nothing to do with you, and it’s even less to do with me.

People who complain about how they’re sore/tired from all the sex they’re getting

You know what, Lucy? You never ask if I’m sore or tired from all the sex I’m not having.Go and complain to your boyfriend about your cystitis, and let me eat my cheese bites in peace.

People who ask ‘Have you come up yet?’

No, but judging by the size of your eyes and the fact that you’re massaging my neck with your sweaty palm, you have.

People who went to Newcastle or Leeds, and won’t stop talking about how great it was

University is over. It’s time to move on.

People who think you’re Citymapper

It’s 2016, you don’t need me to give you directions over the phone.

People who turn up to parties with no booze

Do you want us to feed you too?

People who use protein shakers as water bottles

Myprotein.com is a complete giveaway, but so are your huge biceps, your tight vest or the tiny shorts you’re wearing. You really don’t need to walk to the gym in your weightlifting gloves..

People who can’t spell at all on social media even though pretty much every phone has spellcheck now

Wheer r ü now?

People who mutter to themselves and it sounds like they’re saying something to you but when you ask they just say “don’t worry”

How can I not worry when you’re mumbling at me like that? I bet you own voodoo dolls.

People who huff about people who walk slowly

Just say “excuse me”. There’s no need for them to tread on people’s heels or cough loudly just to get someone’s attention. If the huff isn’t enough, they’ll cough loudly or lean over your shoulder, or worse use the loud clop of their businessman shoes to alert you to their presence. Where’s the fire mate?

People who don’t laugh and instead just say “That’s hilarious”

If it’s so funny, why aren’t you laughing? When something is funny, people laugh – it’s an instinctive reaction. How did you manage to change that and just say “that’s hilarious”, unless it wasn’t actually hilarious?

People who keep telling you they can’t decide if they want to go to the gym or not

Bobby, just make up your fucking mind. No-one came to the office today to see a three act drama about your existential “it’s late and there’ll be no free benches” drama.

People who have Kickstarters

What could possibly make me want to take my own hard-earned money and let you piss it up a wall?

People who demand trigger warnings

Reading the headline normally helps.

People who complain about trigger warnings

I’m so sorry that my compassion for other human beings offends you so much (TW: Entitled Arsehole).

Meninists

Tell us again how hard it is to be a man.

People who make tea without offering anyone else any

Oh, are you over by the kettle, Tom? Making a tea are you, Tom? Tea for one eh, Tom? Kept that quiet.

Brexiteers

You’ll keep telling everyone you’re not a racist. You’re probably a racist.

People who are paranoid about TV/film spoilers

SPOILER ALERT: There’s more to life than HBO. Don’t click on it if you’re so bothered by it.

People who invite their friends to events which they haven’t organised

Look, we get it, you and Clara are BFFs. But this whole night was Alice’s idea so the “uni group” could all catch up with each other. She’s just not welcome.

People who always act like they’re doing you a favour

Really Dave, it’s OK, you don’t need to help me finish this presentation. I don’t mind working late. No, really, it’s fine. Dave, stop.

Anyone who tries to force the fun

It’s 3am, the club has closed and we’ve got work tomorrow morning. It’s OK to leave it there and all go home. Not for Ben though, he’s not happy until you’ve all jumped in a rickshaw so you can have a few Jagerbombs in a bar across Soho he knows will definitely still be open.

People who assume you’ve seen their Snapchat story

Believe it or not, we’re not all that invested in your social life.

People who tell you about their Snapchat story

There’s a reason we’ve not seen it.

Friends who haven’t moved on from making the same jokes you did in Year 7

There comes a point when calling someone in their early 20s Boner makes you look worse than him. Grow up.

Anyone who asks you to check out their Soundcloud

There’s some amazing music being made in bedrooms around the UK, on laptops and cheap recording equipment. Yours, however, is not on that list.

Anyone who tries to get you to do something on your lunch break

This is literally the only part of my day I enjoy. Can you not see the half a sandwich hanging out of my mouth?

Deliveroo cyclists when they’re not working

Why do you all need to hang around on your bikes together, lurking under road bridges or in parks? You’re basically a slightly older version of the kids who hang around estates on BMXes until their mum’s cooked dinner.

Anyone who starts a conversation with “How are you?” when they clearly just want something from you

If you really wanted to know how I was, you’d ask it all the time, not just when you need a sponsor for the London Marathon.

People who can’t cook, then complain about being broke

Maybe if you didn’t piss money away on Domino’s every night you might have a bit more cash.

People who get a pet and won’t stop talking about them

It’s a pet – it shits, wees, eats, and sleeps. Yes, it’s cute, but 40 photos on and it still looks the same.

Someone who has just taken drugs for the first time and won’t shut the fuck up about it

Please Callum, tell me about the colours. What did they look like?

Anyone who doesn’t let you know when you have something in your teeth or on your face

I don’t care if you think it will be embarrassing, it’s your job as a friend to make sure I don’t look like a tit. If you fail to do that job, you fail to be a friend.

Anyone who asks for suggestions and then just goes with their idea anyway

We know this is going to happen. Why put us through the song-and-dance of alternative names for your Facebook event when it’s clear you’re always just going to stick with whatever you came up with already?

People who can’t tell a story

In someone else’s hands, Simon’s tale about the night he got chucked out of three clubs and ran home half-naked with kebab down his chest would be an all-time classic. Unfortunately, Simon’s telling it so it’s a mess of unnecessary pauses, lengthy digressions and heavy breathing.

People who take photos of you while you’re sleeping

It was the last night of the festival and I stayed up for all of it. If that means I fall asleep on the coach home, it shouldn’t give anyone the right to take the piss.

People who love suggesting “improvements” you should be making

“I love what you’re wearing. Of course, it would probably be better with a brown leather clutch but it’s OK.”

People with rucksacks on the tube

I actually didn’t get the chance to exfoliate this morning, so thanks for repeatedly scraping your Fjallraven across my face.

Assistant to the regional manager

Deputy Editor, Assistant Executive, Head of Office, Assistant Manager, Line Manager, Duty Manager, Supervisor, Team Leader, Vice Chairman, Regional Sub Executive. No matter what your title is, no one likes you.

Shy people who complain they don’t know anyone

It’s OK being shy, some people are. But you can’t both be shy and then complain that you don’t want to go to Josh’s house party because you won’t know anyone there. You’d know them if you’d bothered to try.

Newlyweds who are still posting about their marriage

You are still posting about it 2 years later. I couldn’t give a shit. wish I hadn’t bought you anything. Now I feel I’ve accidentally subscribed to some newsletter via my generosity. Oh wow, a plate with both your names. Do one. She ain’t even fit.

Bus drivers who don’t wait for someone when they’re running

If you can see them, you wait. No exceptions.

People who say Coke Zero tastes different to Diet Coke

They’re lying.

People who shout in your ear in the club

It’s like they used going out just to shout in your ear. They grab the other side of your head so you can’t get away, and you’re stuck in a vice-like grip of skull-crushing noise and force.

You try and ease away from them without any luck, so you have to hear how much of a deafeningly good time they’re having.

People who ask you to like their profile pics/Instagram/cover photos to appear more popular

You’re a fake shill of a person who cares far too much.

People who post selfies with captions that try to justify them taking the selfie

If you’re going to post a selfie, just post it. We don’t care that the reason for it is because your “eyeliner looks good today”.

Guys who jiggle their leg

I don’t know if it’s a testosterone or hormone level thing, but it’s just really distracting when you’re trying to relax and watch a film. It shakes the whole couch and you can even feel the annoying jig jig jig as it reverberates through your body.

People who speak to the camera in their Snapchat story

What did I just have to watch? You’re not the Body Coach, so I don’t need a weirdly intrusive play-by-play about what you’ve ordered for brunch.

People who wake you up from a nap for no reason

“Wakey wakey” they say while sniggering outside your bedroom door. This is why I lock my room.

People who tell you to “cheer up love”

I CAN’T HELP THE WAY MY FACE LOOKS. I didn’t even realise I was looking sad but thank you so much for taking the time to point it out to me. I’ll definitely smile now. What have you gained from this?

People who tell you there’s no point complaining because “it is what it is”

A completely redundant response, I know it is what it is – that’s why I’m complaining, you total fucking hemorrhoid.

Men who are too open in changing rooms

There’s nothing impressive about exhibiting your manhood to room of your fellow men. Yes, we’re all grown ups now, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of but it doesn’t stop the fact that when you’ve spent an hour in a pool, your waist looks like this. 

People who say they “miss your face”

They want something from you.

People who drink negronis

They hate it, they fucking hate it, but they persevere because it’s the drink of the summer. Just order a fruity cider and be done with it.

Morning smokers

You’re not Kate Moss. What the fuck are you doing?

Non-vegetarians who get upset about animal cruelty

“I can’t believe there’s a dog meat festival in China”, they’ll sob, while watching Blackfish and/or signing a change.org petition.

Meanwhile, they’ll be feasting on the shredded juicy flesh of a violently slaughtered pig, squashed between two slices of bread slathered with forcefully-removed and industrially churned bovine growth hormone.

People who send you a Snapchat but also put it on their story

Your dog filter selfie was nowhere near interesting enough to warrant watching twice.

People who check in on Facebook when they go on holiday

We all know you’re going to Barcelona, and we all spent the last few days feigning that we cared. Now it’s a Tuesday morning and we’re being forced to look at a picture of your 6am pint, which you only ordered so you can post a picture with a “travelling to” tag. We know your game.

People who put up a picture of a place they’re going on holiday before they go

Stock photo from resort website + “Can’t believe I’m going to be here in two weeks!” = Insufferable Facebook post

People who tell you to listen to podcasts

Listening to the droning voices of people who tell you how good Serial is, you begin to think Serial is probably insufferable.

Your mate’s mates from uni

They’re the worst.

Your uni mate’s mates from home

Actually, they’re the worst.

People who post on event walls saying they can’t make it

“Ahhh no sorry hun, I’m actually going to Ibiza that weekend!” No-one asked.

People who post flattering pictures of themselves on your wall on your birthday

You’re barely even in the picture, but don’t be fooled into thinking today is about you. This is prime time to remind everyone how much fitter they are, and they’re going to seize the (birth)day without a second’s hesitation.

Your oversharing Facebook relative

Ohhh Auntie Jane, I like you – I really do – but it’s getting harder and harder with every time you share an update about a missing dog in Brisbane or a questionable Britain First status about immigrants.

People who call London anything other than “London”

Big weekend in LDN; heading over to the Big Smoke; just touched down in London Town; you sound like you’re from Laaaandan.

All of these will make people think you’re a dickhead.

People who complain about “South of the river”

“Nothing good happens South of the river” the West Finchley boy will chuckle. Inside he’s dying because he never gets invited to parties in Clapham. He almost certainly has a tube map on his bed sheets.

People who say “nice to e-meet you” over email

This sort of thing makes people hope they never have to real meet you.

Anyone who asks a question they could have Googled

Good question, mate – why don’t you try here.

People who moan

Get a life, guys.

Did we miss anyone? Let us know at [email protected]

Contributions from Bobby Palmer, Grace Vielma, Bella Eckert, Hugh McDaid, Meg Davies, Craig O’Callaghan, Tom Jenkin, Daisy Bernard, Oli Dugmore, Phoebe Luckhurst, Roisin Lanigan, Matt McDonald, Jack Cummings, Josh Kaplan, Bobbie Edsor, Robin Brinkworth and Katie Weston.