The things going to an all-girls school taught me about life

The skirt shortening techniques and tips on how to apply your Dream Matte mousse were just some of the many lessons learnt at an all-girls school.

There was always one male teacher who was rumoured to be a perv

He probably taught history or woodwork and rumour had it that he would make girls bend over to pick up pens and then look up their skirts. At first this concerned you, but after being taught by him for a year you realised he was harmless, and that this rumour existed in pretty much every girls school anywhere in the country.

You’d have to roll up your skirt at least five times before it came above your knees

You never understood why they didn’t just make them shorter. Who in their right mind would choose to wear them fully rolled down? You’d quickly have to unroll them when you walked past your head of year, who would frequently make you drop to your knees to check your skirt touched the ground.

You spend half an hour at lunch doing your make-up in the loos ready to meet local boys after school

Slapping on your Dream Matte mousse and Collection liquid eyeliner never felt better. You’d pray that your Maths teacher in last period wouldn’t notice and make you got to the toilets and take it off.

Faking being on your period could usually get you out of anything

Swimming? No problem. “I can’t swim today, Miss, I’m on my period.” This is the fifth week running but nobody would ever question you.

There was that one PE teacher rumoured to be a lesbian  

She’d always pop in the changing rooms just at the wrong moment and never wore a sports bra but would insist on you watching her as she demonstrated how to do a seat drop on the trampoline.

Someone would ALWAYS have a tampon on them

Regular or super absorbent, take your pick.

Everyone would fancy a young male teacher just because he was in his 20s

Out of a school context, you’d probably would walk past him in the street and not take notice, but because he was the only male teacher not in his forties everyone gushed about how hot he was.

If you didn’t have a Nike Just Do It backpack or a Jane Norman bag you were lame

You’d also carry your P.E skit in a Topshop bag just so people knew you bought clothes from there.

Experimenting with hairstyles was a rite of passage

Exaggerated emo fringes, extremely short layers and a few dangerous encounters with peroxide pretty much sums up every girl’s experience at school.

Experimenting with eyebrows was also a rite of passage

Plucking, waxing, threading, you name it. Some girls would look like they drew theirs on with a black biro whilst some would come into school having accidentally waxed half of one off.

A game of ultimate frisbee would often turn into a bloodbath

Anyone who says teenage girls enjoy more delicate sports has clearly had never seen them play a game of ultimate frisbee. The hair pulling, the scratching, the biting and the screaming was thoroughly disturbing.

Local schools would have a derogatory name for your all-girls school

It was usually something along the lines of “whores on the hill” or “slags on the slope.”

The PE changing rooms would always stink of Charlie Red or Impulse body spray

No one would actually remember to bring deodorant but smothering yourself in fruity body mist would do just fine.

You’d have to look after an electronic baby for a weekend, or if your school was broke, an egg

Your school’s heartfelt attempt at trying to discourage teenage pregnancy.

Nobody judged you for coming into school with no make-up on

Looking like an eight year old was accepted and there were no boys around to tell you otherwise.

Teachers told you wearing nail varnish would “distract you from learning”

Getting your nails done on the weekends was a luxury that didn’t exist for most, unless on the Monday you wanted to sit with your head of year and a bottle of nail varnish as you tried to hold back the tears thinking about the £15 quid you just threw down the drain.

Coloured hair accessories would also “distract you from learning”

If it wasn’t the same as your school’s colours, forget about it.

It just took one girl to tell the class how she’d started shaving her legs, then everyone did

You had to use your mum’s razor because no year seven had ever managed to buy their own one from Superdrug without getting asked for ID.

Teachers would put holes in the diaphragms used to teach sex ed to make sure girls wouldn’t steal them

The fact they thought girls actually still used diaphragms is absurd, let alone the fact they thought they would steal the PHSCE ones that were passed around hundreds of clammy hands.