Every single person you will ever sleep with

The Narrator

Because who doesn’t want to fuck Morgan Freeman.

Mr Accidental Anal

You’re drunk, and there have been a few hints, which you shrug off. You’re clearly not in the market for anal: this is very much a one-night stand, and it way too much prep, which you really can’t be arsed with after countless vodka soda limes. He keeps asking, you keep saying no. He pulls out – “by accident” – and thinks you won’t notice if he slyly sneaks it in there. We will, obviously.

NO foreplay

Why don’t I look like I’m enjoying this more? Why am I squirming a bit? You’re excited, it’s cool, but you can show your excitement by willing to wait a few minutes before you get some. Oh, why didn’t I finish? I wonder.

TOO MUCH foreplay

It really does get to a point where it gets a bit weird. You wouldn’t go to a restaurant and order five starters would you? The starter’s delicious, but you want to get to your main at some point.

Doesn’t remove their clothes

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to finger someone while they’re still wearing anything made of denim?

The one who gets your name wrong

Ahh. He’s said his ex-girlfriend’s name and now he’s saying it doesn’t mean anything. Guess the best thing to do is laugh and make a joke about the subconscious or whatever. Will look back on this and laugh some more when he breaks up with me and goes back to her a few weeks later.

Guys who make jokes when they put on a condom

This is your bedroom, not the Hammersmith Apollo. 

Says your name too much

Is it in case you forget it?

When they’re just really, really, really loud

Firstly: I appreciate your enthusiasm. Secondly: I have housemates. They’re going to be winking, and shooting looks, and moaning like Sharapova serving for the next week and that is going to render the sex we are having right now utterly void.

People who cry

We’ve just had sex, which was nice. Now we’re lying in bed, which is also nice. And now you’re… fucking hell are you crying? Like actually crying? Sex ed never taught me how to deal with this. Do I try and comfort you? What if I’m the reason you’re crying? I know you mentioned your ex earlier and that’s quite clearly the reason, but Jeeeeeeeeesus Christ. Better lie here staring at the ceiling and hope it subsides. Is it rude if I check my phone?

Someone who says something cringe

So here’s one for you, here’s one I’ve heard: “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh…. that was a nice orgasm.” And I just lay there, for the rest of the night, thinking about what a pallid adjective nice is and wondering if anyone who ever describes their own orgasm as nice can ever be sincere.

Has sex with you, then tells you about their STI

Rachel, I enjoyed the bit before but I did not enjoy the bit after.

Older person

Gokan was your hotel waiter on your family holiday to Turkey. He was in his thirties. It got weird.

Someone who is just a really good, 9/10 shag

Why do they never call you back?

Your best friend

Remember that scene in Friends where Joey tried to shag Rachel but he just can’t because they’re so close? That’s what will happen to you if you decide to shag your best friend. Because no matter how long it’s been in the back of your mind, no amount of alcohol can make you truly “fancy” someone’s personality. When that “why not?” moment comes around (it was supposed to be a drunken cuddle) watch out for the bit when you have to get on top. That is the awkward moment of no return. It’s the moment your boobs are in full view, and you have to look them straight in the eye. It is also generally quite boring sex, as everyone’s slightly too nervous to put on a show. The morning will not be classic.

Your ex

I mean, you do not love each other. You do not like seeing each other. You arguably hate each other at this point. You have nothing to say to each other anymore. The only reason – the reason you really despise yourself for – you’d ever be in the same room is to bang. It’s not healthy.

Your best friend’s ex

It feels so good because I know it’s so bad. Is it wrong that I’ve fancied your ex for ages? I know you think I’m a threat but I would never do that to you, Josie. I certainly wouldn’t do it to you while you’re out of town. But then, can I help what happens if Conor and I have one too many tequilas at The Crown and you’re not there? I’m just one woman Josie, and his eyes are telling me he wants me. I’ll go back to his, but only to chat. Only to chat. Ten minutes later and all our clothes are off and we are looking each other dead in the eye as we climax. It’s the forbidden fruit of sexual experiences and I will forever feel simultaneously guilty and smug.

Your friend’s brother

There’s a knock at the door and your internal monologue is all “please don’t come in, please do not come in right now”. Great, there’s your mate. Great, he’s seen you half-naked. Great, he’s seen you going at it with his brother. The eye contact is the icing on the cake, well, at least until he finishes what he came in to ask.

“…Are you coming down to dinner?”

A friendship ruined, and all for a fucking spag bol.

Your friend’s sister

And wait until you tell the entire squad chat when he next tries to roast you.

Your colleague

You’ve made it. Landed a job in the City, surrounded by Gherkins and cheese graters and Shards and there’s more cash in your account than you’ve ever had in you life before. Such confidence can lead to big risks, and bigger mistakes. Deciding to nail the shy but cute one in the corner has suddenly made you the office slut: congratulations. You have alienated one half of the office who know you like to wear your old school uniform while covering your partner in Nutella, as well as the other half you think you want to do it to them.

Your boss

Some advice: always fuck up and never fuck down. Go your own way and let tongues wag.

Someone you really fancied at school who you meet years later

You know what it felt like to lust after someone during double Maths on a Thursday afternoon and to never get any signal back. You thought you missed your chance. He went off with that bitch Helen at prom as well. But somehow, years later, the stars aligned and you got another chance. He hasn’t left your hometown, is still in his mum’s single bed, and he tried to finger you at the pub at your Christmas reunion drinks. It was lacklustre to say the least and he kicks you out before his parents wake up and start basting the turkey.

Those who are utterly silent

Is this good? Is this terrible? Do they want you to stop? You can’t tell if they’re finished or not. Now you’ve been having sex for a bit too long, and you think they might have finished, but you do some pointless last minute thrusts just in case they haven’t. They’ll also, confusingly, probably claim it was brilliant afterwards. Was it though? YOU’LL NEVER KNOW. 

Men who ask you to call them Daddy

You have issues.

The guy who calls you Mum

And you have issues.

Captain Sorry

He’s about to give you the most ecstatic night of your life isn’t he: “Oh right, sorry, hang on, let me just umm, yeah, sorry about that, if you just lift your leg a bit that way, oh, sorry there it goes again, sorry. I think I might have come, umm, sorry.”

They always wanted to be a pornstar

Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, ohhh yeaaahhhhhh.

Removes all clothes immediately

Fucking hell, Dan, I turned away for a second. Unless you’re Bruce Al-fucking-mighty then there’s no way you could have got all your clothes off that quickly. Now I haven’t even had the chance to turn off the light and you’re already lying there, leering at me from the bed. And couldn’t you have at least taken off your socks?

People who come really quickly

Your hips are tired? Your hips are fucking tired? It’s been five minutes, Pete, what the hell are you talking about?

People who don’t come at all

They can come, they just haven’t this time. But normally they do, honest. In fact, this is like literally the first time ever it’s happened. Maybe it’s because they haven’t drunk enough water. It’s that or the fact it’s morning, they never seem to be able to come in the mornings. Or maybe it’s because they’ve been masturbating too much this week. It’s definitely got to be one of those. Don’t worry, you were great though.

People who get really overemotional

The guy with really smooth skin

I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I’ll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturiser, then an anti-ageing eye balm followed by a final moisturising protective lotion.

The guy who only wants to have sex from behind

This is the most direct way of saying “you could literally be anyone and I don’t care”. 

People who get very claw-y and very bite-y

You only really realise the next day. You’re peeling yourself off the bed and – wait, is that blood? Oh god. Your back is sort of stuck to the sheet. You remember they were getting a bit, MUCH, but you didn’t realise how bite-y it had got. Was this just a release of anger? What happened to you? Do you really, really hate me? Do you actually know what you’re doing?

Sweaty, sweaty people

More sweat patches on the sheets than, errmm, other stains, and you’ve got a problem.

People who love having sex in the shower

It’s not even practical. You’re going to slip over. Why do you want to do it? Doesn’t standing up get boring after a while? If you sit down it’s weird. Why?

People who smile too much

One of the real redeeming features of sex is its total absence of emotion. Life has enough of that. Plus have you ever tried doing anything while someone just smiles at you, like a beaming idiot savant? It’s really off-putting.  

One of my ex-boyfriends used to stare into my eyes, refusing to break my gaze. Smiling. Just smiling: this really beatific, incredibly off-putting smile. I’d close my eyes – and open them to find him staring at me, smiling. I’d turn my head and he’d gently move it back to the centre, and smile fondly. I’d go down on him and look up and he’d be FUCKING SMILING. Not a dirty, cheeky grin. Not a satisfied smirk. Honestly, just the smile of a total moron. After a few months, it made my skin crawl, so I started coming up with excuses why we couldn’t have sex and then broke up with him.

People who are just really, really lazy

No, I’m not talking about people who “just lie there”. I mean the ones who expect you to take off every single item of clothing they’re wearing for them. If you’ve got more than three layers on, this isn’t fair.

The one who comes in your hair

You have to go to work and you’re running too late to have a shower so you stick your head in the sink and then bash it on a tap in your haste to get out of their house. It hurts, a lot.  

The muscular guy

This. 

The freaky, unhinged girl you hope will let you try anal

But she won’t, she’ll just mess you up and terrify your friends.

People who wince

If it’s causing you this much pain, maybe we should stop.

A literal bouncer

You didn’t know they were a bouncer, but when you met them at Secret Garden Party you never really bothered to ask what it was they did exactly. They worked in Farringdon, just temping for the moment while they’re over from Australia. Born in Sydney, 26, blond, shorter than you and great fun. Didn’t stop texting though, and stole your only fucking jumper for the festival. You said you didn’t want anything, she was a bit annoyed but that didn’t matter. Next thing you know, your mate Reece texts you from the queue of Fabric door, with the fluorescent armband, asking if you’ve got anything on you that you shouldn’t have. Yes I do, and it’s called guilt.

The one you do not remember shagging 

“Why have we never met before?”

“We’ve definitely met before.”

“I’m sure we haven’t, I’d remember if we had.”

“I can’t tell if you’re joking.”

The one who comes on your back

He said he wants to pull out to come, but you can’t be arsed to improvise a make-up wipe out of whatever lurks in his bathroom. If you swallow you might be sick after all that sambuca. Let him do it on your back. 

The guy who is in complete denial about his missing erection

It was all getting very hot, very steamy until you got down to business to find that there’s no response southside. You try to be nice and understanding, but he is not having any of it. “Just give me one minute” he says, “maybe you could give me head?” Maybe… if I had something to work with. Eventually you just roll over and go to sleep while he furiously tries to get hard again.

The guy who’s into really weird stuff

I’m not going to pee on you, Lucas.

The really nice one

She’s got a floral print duvet, a cello in the corner and makes you a cup of Lady Grey tea in the mornings. Polite, inoffensive and shockingly demure, it’s a bit like having sex with a Jane Austen novel. As with the finest Victorian romances, this is more of a suggestive evening beneath the sheets than an explicit one.

The one who stays way too long the morning after

I’ve made you an avocado and bacon baguette and you’ve played Mario Kart with all of my housemates. We met last night. This is unacceptable.  

I’m a virgin and now feel really left out

Cheers guys.

By, in no particular order (really): Bobby Palmer, Oli Dugmore, Tom Jenkin, Jack Cummings, Will Lloyd, Roisin Lanigan, Bella Eckert, Lauren Raine, Phoebe Luckhurst, Cloe Fernandez Barnes, Cat Reid, Callum McCulloch, Ben Clarke, Grace Vielma, Craig O’Callaghan, and Daisy Bernard.