You can give up now because we’ve found the stupidest diet in the world and nothing can beat it

The diets of rich and/or famous sylphs are fascinating. We are fascinated because we are confused: on one level, you hope that they eat nothing (beauty demands sacrifice). On the other, it is rather disappointing that those we idolise have to try so hard. Heroes lose their lustre when you find out it doesn’t come naturally.

And sometimes, we are fascinated because the diets are completely fucking mad. Periodically one of these diets goes viral – most recently, it was Gisele revealing she owns three “dehydraters” with which she turns food into zero-cal dust – and the latest in the genre is that of Amanda Chantal Bacon, who runs an LA juice emporium, Moon Juice. That was a sentence, not a collection of words chosen at random. Note: she consumes no bacon.

She gave US magazine ELLE a look at her diet, as part of the latest in a series that unpacks – with breathy sincerity – the diets of hot people normalising “eating disorder as lifestyle”.

This is what I learned:

• “I usually wake up at 6:30am, and start with some Kundalini mediation and a 23-minute breath set—along with a copper cup of silver needle and calendula tea—before my son Rohan wakes.”

Calendula sounds like a treatment for thrush. A 23-minute breath set: does she mean she breaths for 23 minutes? I breath 24 hours a day, so.

• “At 8am, I had a warm, morning chi drink on my way to the school drop off, drunk in the car! It contains more than 25 grams of plant protein, thanks to vanilla mushroom protein and stone ground almond butter, and also has the super endocrine, brain, immunity, and libido-boosting powers of Brain Dust, cordyceps, reishi, maca, and Shilajit resin. I throw ho shou wu and pearl in as part of my beauty regime. I chase it with three quinton shots for mineralization and two lipospheric vitamin B-complex packets for energy.”

Skimming, this, I thought she said “I was drunk in the car!” and was like, ‘alright – this took a weird turn fast, is this why everyone is so annoyed?’ Actually she drunk a “warm morning chi drink” in the car.

Bit of sauce: she’s into almond butter for its “libido-boosting powers”. She’s also into a series of other things I’ve never heard of. Re: the “B-complex packets” she consumes for “energy” – reckon she could just consume some normal food for energy.

• “At 9:30am, I drink 16 ounces of unsweetened, strong green juice, which is my alkalizer, hydrator, energizer, source of protein and calcium, and overall mood balancer…I love Moon Juice’s soft and chewy bee pollen—it’s a creamy, candy-like treat that gives me my daily B-vitamin blast, and also helps feed my skin and aids hormone production.”

Sounds horrible. As does consuming bee pollen, which is not similar to “candy”.

• “For lunch, I had zucchini ribbons with basil, pine nuts, sun-cured olives, and lemon, with green tea on the side…I often alternate this with my other lunch staple: a nori roll with umeboshi paste, avocado, cultured sea vegetables, and pea sprouts. This is my version of a taco.”

That is no one else’s version of a taco.

• “If I’m home around 3pm, I always reach for coconut yogurt with cardamom, dried figs, walnuts, and apricots from a weekend farm visit—and a chunk of raw dark chocolate. I ferment big batches of coconut yogurt and make big batches of raw chocolate spiked with maca and any other medicinal herb I’m focusing on. It’s easy to do, and makes for potent, fast snack food throughout the month.”

I want my snacks to be fast, easy and tasty. I am not convinced I want them to be “potent”. Making your own dessert suggests control issues.

• “Today I also called into Moon Juice and got some ‘drive through.’ Work doesn’t keep me in the shop like it used to. Sadly I’m always on the go and running late, so I usually call in a mid-workday curbside pick-up. I grabbed a mint chip hemp milk with double servings of maca and sprouted brown rice protein, sweetened with stevia, as well as two Goodness Greens juices.”

This is your business: glad you practise what you preach. Sprouted brown rice protein sounds like a GCSE biology product. What is stevia?

• “My son and I make a batch of almond milk and vanilla chia pudding for the next morning at bedtime. We like to have cups of it before it’s totally done, when it’s more like chia milk.”

The treats shared between a mother and child are sacred – probably – though I bet when he goes to school and finds out some of his pals share things with fat and calories and protein and FUN, then he’ll feel hard done by.

• “At 11pm, I had a nightcap of heart tonic and raw chocolate made from one of my big batches—this one was made with our Moon Pantry heirloom raw cacao, reishi and Chaga mushroom, sprouted brown rice protein, and coconut oil.

A night cap is booze not raw chocolate. Observation: is a day that includes two portions of sprouted brown rice protein really a day at all? Is it not, instead, a nightmare?

Ultmately, this woman can consume what she likes. The outrage is kneejerk and obvious. But both the diet and our reaction shows – again – that we (women) have a prurient obsession with food. And “neuroses” packaged trussed up in glossy features will normalise this inward-looking perspective. It is so, pathetically, boring.