What drugs to take at Glastonbury, and in what order

It’s the biggest festival of the summer: from this Wednesday until next Monday 135,000 people will be dancing and drinking in knee-high Somerset mud at what is essentially the biggest drug free-for-all in the world.

Even though there’s now a “super-fence” around the site to stop pill-peddlers and stoners sneaking into Glastonbury, the laissez-faire hippie-friendly approach to recreational drugs remains from the festival’s early days, with minimal effort needed to smuggle your stash in through the front door. Instead, the only questions attendees need to ask themselves are “What do I need to bring?” and “Have I got enough?”

First-time Glasto-goers are usually pretty easy to spot, because they’re the ones that get the answers to these questions wrong. If you’re already planning on exploring the deepest K hole known to man on the first night you’re there, or you think splitting a gram of mandy with your BFF will see you through til Monday then be prepared to have a terrible time.

With a maximum of five consecutive nights of heavy partying (assuming you don’t miss your coach and somehow manage to stay on site into Tuesday), pacing yourself is vital. Which is why we’ve come up with a definitive guide of what to take and when, ensuring your entire weekend consists of one unrelenting, eyeball-searing peak. Stray from this at great peril.

Wednesday

Congratulations, you got here as early as possible. Maybe you even travelled down Tuesday night because you’re just that keen. As there’s not a lot to do on site, mellow is the watchword. Just enjoy the fact you figured out how to put your tent up and start cracking open some of the tinnies you brought with you.

What to take

Weed and Nos are social drugs that are perfect for sitting up at the stone circle watching the fireworks (though be aware they’ve “banned” Nos from the stone circle this year). Neither will start a party but you can save that for the rest of the weekend.

Thursday

After a relaxed first day, Thursday sees the south-east corner open up in full for the first time as well as most of the other small stages and bars. The whole day is a slow build towards the night, which come Friday morning will look so epic you’ll wonder how the rest of the festival can possibly touch it.

What to take

Crack out the pingers and the MD, it’s time to go big. Use ketamine as and when you need it to help smooth everything out.

Friday (daytime)

The festival proper has finally started and you’re stood in a field at midday wondering why you’re watching the Courteeners. After a heavy Thursday it’s important you make a quick recovery.

What to take

Get that hangover sorted with some valium. Sure, you could rely on hair of the dog but drink won’t help you sleep through James Bay’s shit-fest of mediocrity on the Pyramid stage.

Friday (evening)

By now, even Glasto virgins feel like they’ve got the hang of things, but this complacency is dangerous. Whatever you do, don’t go chasing a repeat of your epic Thursday night as you’ll only be disappointed. Head somewhere different and take something different.

What to take

From a tube carriage crashed into a building to an underground bar run by Irish travellers, Glastonbury is full of weird sights. These get a whole lot weirder when you’re on 2cb or other hallucinogenics. Break away from the standard club-esque late night stuff and all the horrendous crowds in the south-east corner, trip balls and have a laugh.

Saturday (daytime)

The end of the festival is nigh, just two days left to go and you’re already worrying if you’ve peaked. Even if you’ve tried to pace yourself you’re probably already flagging a bit. Take a stock inventory: if you’re running low, put some aside so you don’t reach Sunday empty-handed.

What to take

West Holts, with its eclectic variety of world music, is the perfect place to sit back on the grass after a visit to the Brothers bar with your weed and blaze away the afternoon.

Saturday (evening)

After the hallucinogenic diversion of Friday night it’s time to switch back to what made Thursday so epic. Some of your group will be too worn out by Sunday night so consider this your last chance to all go hard together.

What to take

As with Thursday, get out the pingers, MD and K. Regulate your dosage of each depending on where you are and what you’re doing. A general idea of who is playing where will be helpful, you haven’t got enough left to waste it gurning in a queue.

Sunday (daytime)

You’re nearly there. The festival site is looking increasingly worse for wear, as are the glazed faces of everyone walking by your tent but you feel fine. You’re probably not going to get any sleep tonight so plan accordingly in the daytime: you should never be peaking before sunset.

What to take

If you’re feeling rough as shit, try some more valium. If you’re passable, a group Nos session should get you back on your feet. That intense, ten second high will help you shift back into a mindset that’s ready to tackle the last night of Glasto.

Sunday (evening)

It’s all been leading up to this. While half your friends have run out of supplies and resorted to licking out baggies and propositioning strangers only to be sold bags of sugar, you’ve saved the best ’til last.

What to take

The one sure-fire way to stop Sunday night being a massive anti-climax (which is understandable after the weekend you’ve just had) is to bring something new to the party. It’s finally time to crack out the coke, gak or acid you’ve been saving for a rainy day. If those are hard to come by, K is always a decent fall-back, as long as it hasn’t been the basis of your diet all weekend long.

What not to take

Cocaine

Not the right vibe for the majority of Glastonbury. Take it on the Sunday, but that’s it.

Cigarettes

If you have to smoke then fine, but try to limit it. You’ll feel disgusting if you over-do it and end up with “festival cough”.

Poppers

What are you, a child?

Heroin

We shouldn’t even need to tell you this.