A girl’s guide to the walk of shame
How to turn that walk of shame into a stride of pride!
We’ve all been there. No shoes, no jacket, no make up. All you have is some small change in the deepest darkest corner of your bag, some questionable receipts and a half empty packet of chewing gum. THANK GOD.
Hell, you’re lucky if you have your ID and a phone that isn’t smashed. You’re lucky if you have any dignity left at all. Your head is pounding and your veins are clogged by the now not so tantalizing cocktail of vodka, sambucca and jäger.
But you’ve been here before, you know what needs to be done now don’t you? Face the naked lump in the bed you’ve barely managed to crawl out of and head on out into the cold and unforgiving light. Who cares if you remember his name, getting out and getting home with as much dignity as you can muster is your one and only mission.
Embrace it, you have no choice.
So to avoid the walk of shame from hell – the one where you’re that young strumpet that commuters and ‘ladies who lunch’ tut at as they pass with their perfect clean clothes and uppity better-than-everyone-else eyes, or the stumbling and tripping excuse for a human that mums walking their kids to school cover their children’s eyes from – here are a few simple tips.
Start by prepping the night before. Slightly keen you say? Slightly conﬁdent?
Well let me tell you, there’s no shame in being prepared because you’ll be the one laughing when you 1) get laid and 2) do it with style and more dignity than a half-drunk, delirious harlot is normally allowed.
If you are a bare legged lover then pack tights! Nothing screams walk of shame more than bare legs on a blistering cold Saturday morning in the North of Scotland. Unless you do it in bare legs AND heels.
Now I’m not saying you have to wear ﬂats on a night out – I know how so many of us gals wince at the idea of that with, “what the fuck are you even saying?” being the common response – but most nowadays carry larger bags than is ever necessary. Like those ‘envelope clutches’ that you could post a small baby to Australia in.
So slip in a pair of those £3 pumps from Primark, the ones that weigh less than I would like to think possible – what is those sweat-shop kids’ secret? Yes you’ll have to carry your heels in your hand but at least you’ll be capable of walking so you ought to blend in a lot more. Here’s hoping.
CHARGE YOUR PHONE
Make sure you leave your humble abode with a fully loaded battery before you venture into the night. There’s nothing worse than waking up and seeing that bad boy is as dead as you feel. No friends, no taxi, no hope.
TALK YOUR WAY INTO HIS PANTS/HOODY
Think charm, think ﬂirtatious eyes. I know it’s hard, you feel like ass but do anything you can to make him think of how sexy you’ll look in that cosy hoody awaiting you in his wardrobe. It’s yours for the taking. And ﬁnally…
TAKE HIM BACK TO YOURS
Walk of shame avoided.
Good luck and happy shagging.